During the last national election (in the otherwise cursed year of 2024), Tippecanoe County, Indiana received a number of write-in ballots for the office of President. I've always thought of write-ins as being the sign of a healthy, free country, where citizens can voice their displeasure with the two main party candidates.

But sometimes, not so much.

In addition to the write-ins, one ballot was held back as provisional because the voter dropped it off on election night--at a Colorado polling place. Half the people of Colorado probably don't even know where Indiana is, let alone Tippecanoe County, and vice-versa.

As far as write-in votes, the biggest vote-getter was Jill Stein, who was running as the Green Party nominee. I don't know what their platform is, but I like the color.

 


 

39 voters chose the candidates for the Party of Socialism and Liberation. I guess their goals are pretty much right there in the title: They believe revolution is necessary to establish socialism. In my study of history I've noticed most socialist revolutions lead to a few people being in charge, and a lot of other people being dead.

Cornel West and Melina Abdullah also snagged a few votes. No, I don't know either, let me check ...

Oh--activists! Also socialists, and although that's not my thing, I have to admire Cornel West's awesome and intimidating hairstyle.

U.S. Rep. Thomas Massie, a Republican from Kentucky, got two votes, but I hear he's way more popular in Kentucky. He got the same amount of votes as Kanye West, who I hear is not as popular in Kentucky.

Jesus got 6 votes, and God got 3. Honestly, it seems like those should be combined.

So, who else got write-in votes?

Mike Rowe, he of "Dirty Jobs", one of the few people in the entertainment industry I'd actually vote for. Also one of the few who has an actual idea of what the average Joe does for a living.

Johnny Cash, who I'd probably also vote for except he's kind of, well ... dead. Not that I'd trying to discriminate against dead people, mind you. Lots of dead people vote every election.

Former President John Quincy Adams, by all accounts a man of principle, but sadly also dead. For awhile, now. He would be eligible, though, as he was a one term President, and I'm not sure there's anything in the Constitution forbidding dead candidates. Some people in Congress look awfully dead.

John Quincy--who wouldn't love those sideburns?


Singer Willie Nelson. I can't help thinking he'd have a "legalize marijuana" plank in his platform. If not a plank, at least a joint.

Alfred E. Neuman, the "What--me worry?" mascot of MAD Magazine, which doesn't have the circulation it once did. He may be a little too laid back.

 


 

Michael Vick, sportsball star who also ran a dog fighting ring that got him put in prison. Lots of politicians have gotten away with worse stuff than that, but as a dog lover I kind wish he was still behind bars. Which ... also isn't necessarily fatal to a political career.

Kermit the Frog. Yeah, I'd totally vote for him. I mean, he kept the Muppet Show more or less under control, and as First Lady Miss Piggy would also serve as butt-kicker in chief.

And finally, the one I'm really surprised didn't get more votes:

"They All Suck."


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Remember: Vote for the guy with the most books.



 I was very curious to know what the results would be from the upcoming US Presidential election, so I borrowed a car from a friend of mine and went to check it out.


When that baby hit 88 mph, I saw some serious stuff.

First of all, I was surprised to learn of the massive grass-roots write-in campaign that led to the election of "None of the above".

It perhaps comes as no surprised that after a tie vote in the Senate, Senate President Kamala Harris cast the deciding vote to deny the results, her reasoning being that None Of the Above is not a real person. That led to a surprising challenge from California, by a person who, in 2005, did indeed have their name changed legally from Karma Applebutter to None Of the Above.

None--if I can call them that--lost their case after it was discovered they were born to Swedish parents during an airplane trip from London to Dubai to protest climate change. For those of you who haven't read it, that made them Constitutionally unable to run for the highest office. The same held true for their VP candidate, Toker Guitarsolo, although they claimed to have at least been conceived during a northern California wine tasting event.

 This left the election winner as the second biggest vote getter, which was another surprise because, it turns out, no one had actually checked to see who the second biggest vote getter was.

Vice President Harris again cast the deciding vote in the Senate, contending that, while having a tiger as a Vice President would be kind of cool and useful for dealing with dictatorships, Calvin and Hobbes technically are not real people.

 


 

 

This came as a great disappointment, and in the years since has generally been recognized as a great opportunity lost.

A movement to repeat the election collapsed when Donald Trump and Joe Biden announced they were leaving politics to become standup comedians. Their HBO special, "The Joe and Don Comedy Tour" broke viewership records and won three Emmy Awards.

In the end Kamala Harris was certified as winning the election by narrow margins in both the popular and electoral vote, after serving as temporary President until the recount was finished in early 2026. The last of the legal challenges was thrown out of the 9th Circuit Court just after Harris finished her second term in 2039. The attorneys pushing that lawsuit disappeared shortly thereafter.

"Oh, a sanity clause won't work here."

 

Harris' suspension of the Constitutional to allow her to serve longer is hardly surprising, considering the outbreak of the Second Civil War in 2029. The conflict, between one side that called itself the United States and another that called itself the United States, ended quickly when the side nicknamed "The Coast States" discovered that their opponents in "The Middle" did indeed have a lot more guns and ammunition. The US Military, busy in other countries, declared itself neutral.

Presidents Harris and Vance then held a productive meeting in which The Coast agreed to stop making reality TV shows. The Middle promised to keep sending food to the cities, whose populations had never been entirely clear on where most food came from.

The citizens of Chicago later tried to secede and join Canada, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Beiber refused, saying Chicago was "too mean".

 So, there you have it. As I predicted last week, Kamala Harris will be declared the next President. Hold your noses and vote, people.


 

Remember, folks: Humor. Parody. Stuff like that. While I still believe Harris will be declared winner, I can't confirm or deny that I have a time machine.




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Remember: Lots of great books are NOT about politics.


 Yes, I'm going to tell you who will be named President on November Fifth, or possibly sometime in December.

In a minute.

I hate politics, and yet I follow politics closely. Why? For the same reason I used to pay close attention to where my dog did his business in the yard: The results could really screw up my day. Also, in both cases the results always seem to stink.

Every election the left gets lefter, the right gets righter, and the people in the middle question why we're giving so much power to a two-party system. It seems like the only people who want to start new political parties are even more extreme than the ones already there.

Then they wonder why everyone's so angry.

 


 

We should all be reminded of a song that might as well be about the present situation:

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you
 
Most of the little people are regular and overall decent folk doing the best they can. The worst problem they have is hypocrisy: The other guy is ALL bad, and our guy is ALL good. They refuse to except that their candidate isn't perfect, and that the other candidate may (gasp!) have some good points. The opposition isn't just wrong: They're demons who eat children and kick dogs, or possibly the other way around.

The truth is, once they've achieved a certain level in their political climb, both sides tend to turn into crooks working not for the people, but for their parties. All you have to do is look at laws they pass that don't apply to them, perks they get that no one else does, and the way the system is designed to make their reelection almost a done deal.

Term limits? "Sure, everyone else should be voted out, but not my guy!"
 
 
 The increased hatred of career politicians is what brought us Donald Trump. Love him or hate him, but pay attention.

Me, I don't like either candidate, although most of my political beliefs lean right of center. Some in the middle, a few left. Since I don't like any of the Presidential or Vice Presidential candidates, it's a lot easier to think more in terms of policies and records. In that, there's suckage on both sides.

What am I looking for somebody in Washington to do? Show me how they will:

Seal our porous southern border and stop the flow of illegal immigrants and various bad guys, and get those who are already here out.
 
Make the process for legal immigration more streamlined and easier for the people who get in line.

Balance the budget and start doing something about the approaching firestorm otherwise known as Federal Debt.

On a related note, shrink the government (which could be accomplished by deleting every Federal function that directly conflicts with the Constitution. Remember that thing?)

Maintain a strong defense in the face of our new Cold War with the Chinese and other challenges, while also controlling waste and costs in the military, and boy did I just ask for the impossible. Nobody said it was easy.

Get tougher on crime ... including crime among politicians.

Find a way to make health care more affordable for everyone, without leaving the decisions in the hands of red tape bureaucrats in Washington.

There's more, and I may not have listed the more important ones, but you get the idea. I'm not looking for an argument, so don't bother: I'm just calling it as I see it. And speaking of that, our next President will be:
 
 


Kamala Harris.

Maybe I'd be more thrilled if she'd actually showed up for work in the last four years, but she has a lot of advantages. Being a Democrat, she naturally has the support of almost all of the mainstream media. She's already established as VP (which isn't as much of an advantage as you'd think: Only six have been elected to the highest office). She has the correct gender and skin color. True, some will vote against her because of this, but many more will vote for her because of it, regardless of other factors.

So Harris will win, Trump will protest, and life will go on. The size of government and the debt will continue to grow. The border situation will maybe get better, with so much light being shined on it. And everyone will continue hating everyone else.
 
And then it'll be 2028.



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Remember: If you don't vote, don't complain.

 


 Now, before you panic (like I did), keep in mind that this dire prediction has been made before. I even wrote about it in a past column:

https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2014/03/a-chocolate-lovers-worst-nightmare.html

The prediction: a chocolate shortage.

Okay, you can go ahead and panic now.

 


 

 

Yeah, it didn't prove to be so bad after 2014, but this is 2023. Everything is proving to be bad in 2023.

The reason for the shortage is, of course, climate change. About two-thirds of the world's entire supply of cocoa comes from Ivory Coast and Ghana in Africa. We think of Africa as a dry place, but West Africa had been getting way more rainfall than usual, leading to the lowest cocoa harvests in decades. The rain makes cocoa flowers fall off before they can bud, and can also cause a cocoa-killing fungi.

As if that wasn't bad enough, there's a sugar shortage thanks to the climate condition called El Nino. So with two of the main ingredients in short supply, major candy manufacturers are raising prices to compensate for a 46 year high in cocoa value. And worse, just before Christmas. What are the odds?

Hm. Just before Christmas. What are the odds?

 

This is giving me S'More ideas.

 

 

I'm smelling a rat, here, instead of a chocolate bunny.

What if it's a conspiracy, designed to put money into the pockets of fat chocolate industrialists. (I'm not being insulting: I just assume anyone who deals with chocolate all day may end up fat.) Maybe they're hoarding all the cocoa and sugar, to make the prices go up? What if the Bilderberg meetings were nothing more than an organized plan to get chocolate into the hands of its members? (which would require a napkin, of course.)

I can see them all sitting around, dipping chocolate into a chocolate fountain, chortling in the way bad guys do. That's why Bill Clinton went over there, to donate his supply of chocolate after Hillary bugged him to eat better. Their Number One is probably a guy named CocoaFinger. Where's James Bond when you need him?

"CocoaFinger, do you expect me to talk?"

"No, Mr. Bond! I expect you to snack! Try the left Kit Kats, they're so much better than the right ones."

 

Even 007 loves homemade brownies. Stirred, not shaken.

 

 

Look, we've put up with pandemics, wars, and so many idiots in Washington that the whole town looks like a Three Stooges movie. I'm done putting up with things. Do they think we'll sit idly by while they stockpile Wonka Bars that rightfully belong in my mouth? I mean,our mouth? Mouths?

It's time for a revolution.

Let's make the illuminati illuminate their secret society Snickers silos, stat. We want free M&Ms, not Free Masons! And quickly, before we all waste down to Skull and Bones! The Knights Templar don't scare us, and neither would a visit from the Men In Brown. All we're scared of is low blood sugar. They can have our chocolate when they pry it from our sticky, delicious hands!

We will not go quietly into vanilla flavored desserts!

We will not let our chocolate vanish without a fight!

We're going to snack on. We're going to survive. Today we celebrate INTERNATIONAL CHOCOLATE DAY!

Okay, that's actually in September, but it's the principle.

Say, did anyone just hear the music from "Independence Day"?

 

 

 

Oh my gosh, the hidden chocolate supply--that's The Secret of Oak Island!

 Someday, someone will invent time travel. Then the government will get hold of it, and the first thing they'll do is over-regulate it. "All forms must be completed in triplicate--and no, you can't fill them out ahead of time."

One of those regulations will state, quite explicitly, that you CANNOT go back to any point in the 2020s.

No, not because of COVID: because the insanity might be contagious.

We've gone through way worse times, as a country and as a world. The American Civil War was awful. The Great Depression kinda sucked. The 40s could have been better. The 50s were okay but, as with most times, it depended on who you were.

I don't know bout the 1820s, but the 1920s were roaring. The 2020s? Just ... weird.

And I thought that before the Chinese spy balloon came over.

Honestly, I was convinced the thing was from North Korea. The Chinese have satellites, for crying out loud. Maybe the North Koreans were just trying to dip down and steal some grain.

 


I mean, have you seen Kim Jong-un? He's the only person in the country who's not starving. They have to keep bread on his table, or he'll start eating his subjects.

 

The Chinese, in the interest of spreading conspiracy theories, have solved that problem by cutting into the population with viruses. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (Kidding! Just in case their balloon managed to land spy technology on my roof.)

It's probably worth mentioning that in 2020 Iran launched their own military satellite.

Then Russia's very own dictator saw what Kim Jong-un was doing and said, "Here: Hold my vodka"

What Putin didn't realize was that the Russian Army's warranty ran out in 2019.

 

What else could possibly go wrong?

 

 

Meanwhile we had only the 3rd Presidential impeachment in history, and naturally the whole thing ran along party lines, because aren't the parties more important than the people? Sure they are.

In 2020 oil prices tanked. Remember that? No? Now gas is so expensive that instead of a fast food place attached to gas stations, they're teaming up with those payday loan places. "I just need a cash advance so I can get to work so I can earn the money to get to work."

Want to know the fun part? Most of that stuff happened, or at least started, in 2020. Just the first year of the decade that time travelers will someday cancel.

The rest of the decade actually gives a sense of dejas vus, which is a Latin term meaning "what, again?" Recession, shortages, racial tensions, crazy storms, nuclear threats, government bloat, inflation ...

Holy crap. Three years into this decade, and we're in the 70s again. That explains the Déjà vu, anyway.

And we've got seven more 20s years to go.

Remember, every time you learn something from a book it makes Kim Jong-un cry. And that's a good thing.


 

ozma914: the cover of my newest short story collection (Storm Squalls)
( Nov. 7th, 2022 10:04 pm)

My son-in-law Vince replaced our malfunctioning toilet with a brand new one tonight, for which I'm very grateful (as you might imagine).


On a related note, there's an election coming up tomorrow. Ordinarily, in mid-term elections the party occupying the White House does badly. I have a feeling, though, that this time around the Democrats are going to do pretty well on a national level. That's not a hope or an offer to debate, just a semi-educated guess.

Whether you prefer the toilet or the urinal, please get out there to vote. Political offices are like toilets: They should be flushed often, or they'll start to stink. And no, it doesn't matter if they're number one or number two.
 
Looks like the Congressional Lavatory got another renovation.

 

 Halloween is the scary holiday, timed perfectly to arrive just before the two scariest spots on the calendar: winter, and elections.

It's hardly surprising, then, that one popular Halloween mask is that of the politician. One year I dressed up as Hillary Clinton, stopped all the other trick-or-treaters, and collected 28% of their candy. The bra was kind of binding, though. The problem is, half the people don't recognize political figures, and the other half get too scared.

 

"What costumes? We just finished some barbecue ribs."

 

 

My main criteria for choosing a Halloween costume was always warmth. In northern Indiana, it's not unheard of for Halloween decorations to be under a layer of snow by the end of October. Any Hoosier parent will tell you the main challenge in designing a costume is incorporating a winter coat and snow boots. Dressing as an astronaut is very popular.

As for me, I stopped going out on Halloween when I got old enough to buy candy at the store, turn off the porch light, and sack out on the couch in a diabetic coma. Preferably while watching a really awful Godzilla movie.

The last time I dressed up for the holiday Emily and I went to a Zombie Walk, costumed as ... well, you know. On a whim I walked into a grocery store and asked if they had any bran. The clerk said, "Last year you were way scarier as Dick Cheney".

 

"Brains--huh. Nothing there."
 

 

We always tried to do costumes on the cheap because, well--I'm cheap. So we scrounged around the house, looking for something that could be worn over insulated long underwear. For instance, my adopted brother Martin once gave me a bag of hand-me-down clothes. We don't have the same fashion sense, what with me being a white small town boy and him a black guy from Fort Wayne, which is a big city by my standards.

Most of the clothes did class me up, a little. But I also found a uniquely loud puffy shirt, and a pair of oversized parachute pants that button all the way down the side. No, I never saw him wear them in public--I suspect he was messing with me.

That gave me two choices: Go to Halloween as a stereotypical 70s disco black guy, or a clown. I'll never be politically correct, but you can guess which one I did NOT go as.

 

A rare photo of me outside in November.

 

 

Another choice was something my mother bought for me years ago, back when she (correctly) assumed I needed to get more fit. It's this silver foil costume designed to hold in body heat, like a personal portable sauna. I used it once on the treadmill and lost twelve pounds in thirty minutes. I could have gone as a zombie without needing makeup, if I could walk in a straight line, which I couldn't. Still, a little silver makeup, an aluminum foil hat, and: tah-dah! I'm a space alien.

If I ever trick-or-treat again I'll choose that outfit. Any candy I eat will sweat out of me by the time I make it home. Besides, I'm bound to stay warm no matter how cold it gets outside. Since my one and only goal from October through March is to stay warm, I could celebrate Halloween for months to come, even as political campaigning leaves me cold.

And if that doesn't work, I still have Hillary's bra.

 

Remember: When you don't read our books, the Wicked Witch melts. You don't want to clean that up.

 

 

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 Dave Volek goes for a peaceful revolution with his books about Tiered Democratic Governance, including Circles of a Future Politician: How an Average American Saves America. Dave's using the novel format to get the word out about a political system that works from the bottom up, instead of the other way around. That's something that could make for dry reading.

But it's also an idea that wouldn't appeal to people who profit from the top side down system, so I shouldn't have been surprised that this book, the third in a series, starts out with an assassination.

 

 

 

https://www.amazon.com/Circles-Future-Politician-Average-American-ebook/dp/B09QLFCM8C

The idea is fairly easy to follow, so although I haven't read the second book, it wasn't hard to pick up. This time we follow Eli Weasel and friends on the Tankosin Indiana Reservation, as they attempt their own version of the TDC idea. It's progressed slowly for the group, until other events challenge them to get more active. The story follows them for the next few years, as the concept gains popularity both on the Reservation and in nearby communities. Dave means to challenge the readers' thinking about government and, if read with an open and serious mind, it does.

The story is meant to guide the reader through the theory and the process of building a TDG, so of course there are scenes that move more deliberately than you'd normally expect in a novel. I was more surprised about some scenes of excellent writing, following Eli's thought processes as he goes about his normal life in addition to his efforts to improve his community. It's hard to balance out a book like this, but Dave makes it work--and gives us something to think about.

The author and I don't see eye to eye on every political issue ... but that doesn't make him wrong this time.


 


 

The newsletter for this month (well, it was supposed to be the February newsletter) covers Ukraine, cute dogs and grandkids, and a story excerpt, and that ain't too shabby:

https://mailchi.mp/91ed436f9f33/ukraine-and-free-novella-excerpt-in-order-of-importance

Remember, every time you sign up for a free newsletter from a live author, a dead author gets his wings*.



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*I can't guarantee it'll be a good dead author.

 

I haven’t written about politics for some time, mostly because of certain keywords that permeate modern discourse: “Hateful”; “vindictive”; “mean”; “hypocritical” … okay, some of them aren't so new. Also, certain trigger words that cause those reactions, such as "politics", and "Have a nice day".

(By the way, "Have a nice day" is going to be my reply to any particularly wrathful comments to this post. It's time to steer away from useless shouting.)

Still, I do have a history of making predictions, so here’s what I think is going to happen over the next few years. Just to be clear, my Presidential prediction success rate is running at about 50%.

There's a chapter on politics in this book. But the rest of it's pretty good.


 

The Democrats will win control of the House of Representatives. This one’s crazy easy: The party opposing the sitting President almost always makes gains during off-year elections. The Dems also have their usual advantage of a fawning mainstream media, so I’m pretty confident of this one. We also had more than one “October Surprise”, and all of them screamed “go blue”. 

The Republicans will maintain control of the Senate, although just barely. This will result in a scenario in which half of Congress actively does everything in their power to keep President Trump from doing anything, including picking out ties, having brunch, or watching the Superbowl. As far as actual work getting done, things won’t look much different.

Keep in mind that over the last several decades Democrats controlled Congress much more often than Republicans did, which helps explain why they’ve been so irate the last couple of years. I understand: I’d prefer to be in charge, too.

I could be wrong on all of this; conservatives are just as fired up right now as liberals are, but they feel saying so often leads to them being personally attacked, so many are keeping a low profile. On a related note, remember when we could disagree and still be nice to each other? No? Well, I was younger, then.

What I can guarantee is that political ads will continue to be more and more vicious, which is also a pretty easy call. In my area they’ve given up on words like “misleading” and gone straight to calling each other liars. We’re getting closer and closer to political campaigns looking like the Red Wedding in “Game of Thrones”. I predict that by early 2020, ads will start with wishes that opponents campaign in Iowa without their overcoats. They'll end with suggestions that the other guy get tarred (with toxic sludge) and feathered (with arrows).


Can't we all just get along? No? Okay.



It’s no great leap to say all this animosity and lack of general niceness is connected. We probably won’t get back to any form of civility until someone from outside the country attacks America again, or a comet takes out New Jersey, and possibly not then. 

By the way, I predict the 2020 Presidential campaign will begin December 2nd, 2018. The fact that more and more Americans are becoming infuriated by the extended campaign seasons hasn’t gotten through to politicians any more than anything else has. 

In 2020 the Presidential election will be won by Democrat Kamala Harris, after the other Democrats maim each other into bloody pulps in the primaries. She’ll have a majority of a few million and barely squeak by in the electoral college, which supporters will declare a landslide. I don’t know much about Harris, but she’s from California, so she’ll have her home state locked up. Her mother is Indian and her father Jamaican, which means any criticism of her can be stomped down with cries of “racist!” I’ve read up on Harris a little and I’m not overly impressed, but I suspect she really doesn’t give a darn what I think. 

President Trump, taking his cue from the Democrats after the 2016 election, will pout.
 

Other predictions for the next few years: 

A terrible storm will cause damage somewhere. 

A politician will fall out of grace because of something that ends with “gate”. 

Entertainment award shows will continue to ditch celebrating entertainment in favor of being political. 

Some cool new technology will sweep the world. 

A major business will go bankrupt. 

Oh: And the American economy will turn down, headed toward a recession by the end of 2019, and be in full recession sometime in 2020. Our economy goes in cycles, and we’ve been riding a wave for too long—the wave is overdue to crash. I’m just the messenger. 

Of course, by the time most of that happens you’ll have forgotten I wrote this, so right or wrong, I’m safe.

 

Thus, I've earned the right to complain.

 

I liked Barrack Obama as a person when he was campaigning for president (although I liked him less as time went on). Although I didn't agree with most of his policies, I accepted the results of the election, wished him the best, and hoped that translated into what was best for the country and the world.

I don't like Donald Trump as a person, so maybe the opposite will happen and I'll like him more as time goes by. Either way I accept the results of the election, wish him the best, and hope he leaves office with things overall in better shape than when he entered.

I really don't like Hillary Clinton. If she'd been elected I'd have ... accepted the results, wished her the best, and hoped she would do what was best for the country and the world.

Of course, one of the main causes of acrimony in American politics is that none of us can agree on what's best for the country and the world in the first place. Just the same, one of the good things about America is that even in the worst of times, we've always had a peaceful transition of power. Even when nothing else is peaceful.

In any case, President Trump has two years to accomplish things with a Republican Congress, and no more. After that at least one half of Congress will switch to the control of the Democrats. If there's one thing we've seen in the last few months, it's that the Democrats are in no mood to tolerate the other side in any way.

Meanwhile, for two years the Republicans will feel they don't have to compromise in any way.

Yet that's exactly what both sides should do.

First, historically Democrats have controlled Congress more often than Republicans. Second, Congress and the White House are run more often than not by different parties. Both sides have wildly different views of how to get things done, and both believe they're in the moral right. (Except for those who don't care about the moral right, but only about power--many politicians are really good at concealing which is their driving force.)

Revenge and one-upmanship are getting us nowhere. Half the country always feels disenfranchised and even punished, then responds with personal attacks and political sabotage. When they gain control, it's revenge time.

We can't ask anyone to compromise their values, if they have any. We can ask them to look at the other side, really examine the issues from all angles, and be willing to compromise when compromise is possible. You don't have to agree with your opponents--you don't even have to like them. But understand their points of view. Get past personalities and work on the issues. This country has problems, and you in Washington, you're not helping.

And no, this isn't meant for one side; it's meant for everyone. Just ... get along. I'm not asking for miracles.

Okay, maybe I am.

 

(Note: I'm not interested in a "but they started it and/or they're worse at it" argument. I have my opinions in that area, but this is about future behavior, not past.)

This originally went up on the 4 County Mall website (although without the photos) here:

http://www.4countymall.com/single-post/2017/01/09/Fun-With-Inaugurations

 
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
 
This is inauguration month. You probably didn’t realize this, unless you’re one of the few people who followed the 2016 Presidential election. I mean, who paid attention to that?
 
It was the single nastiest election since I ran for high school student council in 1979, and came in fourteenth out of thirteen. (I was beaten by “none of the above”.) But I’m a humor writer, and humor writers are fearless, so I’m absolutely going to not write about that election because I’m not stupid. And not one of those other twelve student council candidates can deny that, not even the one who ran on the platform of banning shop class, which I voted for him.
 
Here in Indiana we’d much rather talk about basketball and the weather than politics. That includes me, and I hate basketball. Hoosiers only follow politics because of our belief that politicians are like dogs: They might do some things for you, but if you stop paying attention to them they’ll chew up everything and spread crap all over the place.
 
Mostly people here in the Middle would just like to be left alone to lead our lives, but if someone riles us up … well, that’s a different story. After all, this is a state where the governor once sent the American army to attack a political convention, in the state capital.
 
It was called the Battle of Pogue’s Run, and I devoted a whole section to it in my book Hoosier Hysterical because I thought it was—well—hysterical. (Look me up and I’ll sell you a copy for just ten bucks, or less if you’ve got one of those newfangled electronic do-dads.) Although there were no injuries, Pogue’s Run had all the makings of an epic story: rebellion against authority, a cavalry charge, cannons pitted against trains, pistols hidden in petticoats … you can’t make up stuff like that.
 
This is what people did for fun in Indianapolis, before the Colts arrived.
 
Pogue's Run. Some sports team plays in that building in the background.
 
 
As all fifteen of my regular readers know, I write these things early, so for me it’s three weeks before the 2017 presidential inauguration. Maybe we’ll have a repeat of 2009, when Chief Justice John Roberts mixed up his words while giving Barrack Obama the oath of office. People were so worried about it turning into a legal issue that Obama was sworn in again the next day—and that was over just 35 words.
 
Apparently no one took issue to Lyndon B. Johnson’s vice-presidential oath, in which he was supposed to say “without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion”, and instead said “without any mental reservation whatever”. Hey, we’ve all been there.
 
Anyway, in part of my ongoing effort to have something to write about—I mean, to educate the public—let’s see how things have gone wrong in past presidential inaugurations.
 
I’ve already written about William Henry Harrison, who gave the longest presidential inauguration speech ever, then promptly died. He should have taken note of George Washington’s speech, the shortest ever. Still, maybe it wasn’t the time so much as Harrison’s refusal to wear a coat: In 1937 Franklin D. Roosevelt watched the inauguration parade for an hour and a half during the rainiest inauguration day in history, and survived. Not only that, but he watched the whole thing while standing—and FDR couldn’t stand, without assistance.
 
President Harrison is feeling a little under the weather ...
 
 
In 1909 ten inches of snow fell on William H. Taft. Luckily he was a big, big guy, who just plowed through his speech.
 
In the inauguration of 1865 Abe Lincoln had a brand new vice-president, Andrew Johnson—who showed up drunk for his own speech. The story is that Johnson was feeling under the weather, and alcohol was the preferred treatment for a lot of ailments back then. I suppose alcohol’s also the preferred treatment for stage fright.
 
The most expensive inauguration was Obama’s, which cost more than $150 million—but about two thirds of that was paid for by private donors, an idea I can get behind. Crowd source the government!
 
John Quincy Adams did something truly shocking at his inauguration: He wore pants. Up until then, all the new presidents wore knee breeches. Perhaps ironically, Adams was also known to go skinny-dipping in the Potomac River.
 
Adams was also the first president to be photographed, so you can see why he was no peeping prize. But one day a female reporter named Ann Royall, who’d been refused an interview, simply sat on his clothes and refused to let him out of the water … and became the first female reporter to interview a U.S. President.
 
Who wouldn't want to see this handsome guy skinny dipping in the Potomac?
 
 
On a less happy note, in 1857 thirty-six people celebrating James Buchanan’s inauguration caught the “National Hotel disease” and died. Buchanan got it too but recovered, and I assume didn’t dine at that hotel again.
 
JFK had a hot time at his inauguration parade, as in the podium caught fire. A Cardinal was delivering the invocation at the time—think what you will of that.
 
Then there was the inauguration of Andrew Jackson. Twenty thousand people gathered outside the Capitol, a huge crowd for 1829, and Jackson was so happy that he said: “Ya’ll come on over and visit us at the White House!”
 
So they did.
 
Jackson had to escape out the back while the drunken mob smashed stuff and generally turned the White House into a wreck, which also happened when Hillary started throwing bric-a-brac at Bill during the Affair Affair. The party organizers were only able to clear the building by putting free booze out on the White House lawn.
 
But here’s my favorite of all: In 1953 Dwight D. Eisenhower was in the reviewing stand for the inauguration parade when a cowboy rode up to him on a horse … and lassoed him.
 
Of course, that had to have been planned in advance. The cowboy, Montie Montana (I assume that’s his real name) … survived.
 
"Not sure why them fellas in the suits seem all upset."
I've been so busy that I completely forgot this column, which came out in the 4County Mall On November 2nd. But considering it mentions the election, maybe a little time was just as well.
 
SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK
It’s been a rough autumn here in the Hoosier land. An exciting-in-a-bad-way presidential election, clowns all around us … although as far as I know, this time the politicians and clowns aren’t connected.
But sometimes, bad things can lead to better things. Our car got wrecked this year, but now we have another one that’s pretty nice. It’s got so many electronics that when it’s time to be serviced, we have to take it to the Apple Store.
And sure, I hate late autumn, but there are advantages. In all my life, once the first snow falls I’ve never had a lawn mower blow up on me. Well, once.
This thing with all the threatening clowns lurking around neighborhoods? Hey, that keeps them out of Washington, where they’d cause even more trouble. (I know, two political clown jokes, but it’s just so easy.)
And the presidential election?
Okay, you’ve got me on that one.
As I write this the election’s still three weeks away, and it’s been a nasty one. The only real benefit is that it’s given me lots more time, because I gave up social media. It’s so … antisocial. You can’t just politely disagree on the issues anymore, largely because we’ve all forgotten what the issues are. It’s all about the three P’s: personality, past, and prison, as in who should be there.
The name calling and mudslinging haven’t been this bad since Cleveland vs. Blaine, and we all know how that one turned out.
If we have the two most disliked candidates in history, it makes you wonder how they got nominated in the first place. Clinton had a sense of inevitability (“Well, it was her turn … wasn’t it?”), while Trump got in mostly because the party bosses assumed he wouldn’t get in. I normally castigate people who refuse to vote, but this year I’ve already ordered my “Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Neither” bumper sticker.
Whoever wins will have an uphill climb to get the majority of Americans truly behind her. (Although I’m not a fan, I’ve got $20 on Clinton—and I’ve been right in the last three elections. Four, depending on where you stand on Florida in 2000.)
Enough about this year’s election, which will be settled by the time you read this. Here in Indiana, we pine for a repeat of the election of 16 … 1916, which wasn’t nearly as mud-slung, and featured the height of Hoosier influence. There were not one, but three Indiana natives on the ballet that year.
One was Thomas R. Marshall of Columbia City, a country doctor who, to everyone’s surprise, took the governor’s election in 1908. Woodrow Wilson was looking for someone more liberal, but he couldn’t deny Indiana’s political power (seriously!) and chose Governor Marshal as his 1916 running mate.
Marshall didn’t want the job—it didn’t pay enough. But convinced by his wife, who wanted to live in Washington for some reason, he joined Wilson, They won in a landslide in 1912.
That put him on the 1916 ballot against Republican Charles Evans Hughes and his running mate, Theodore Roosevelt’s former vice president, Charles W. Fairbanks. I loved him in Robin Hood! Wait, that was Douglas Fairbanks.
Fairbanks arrived in Indianapolis as an Ohio lawyer, but we let him in anyway. You college football fans, insert your own joke here. His main claim to fame was serving on the commission on Alaskan affairs before that territory became a state, and now you know where the city of Fairbanks, Alaska, got its name—from an imported Hoosier.
Just as Wilson wasn’t thrilled with his less than leftist running mate, Roosevelt would have preferred someone further to the Republican left, but he picked Fairbanks and they won in 1904. Unable to get a presidential nomination himself, Fairbanks joined the ticket again in 1916, as Hughes’ vice.
Just goes to show, presidents have always had vices.
If you’re a political history buff, you’d guess the third Hoosier running in 1916 was socialist Eugene V. Debs, who ran the four times before. But no, he sat out 1916, before running again in 1920—from a prison cell. Again, insert your own joke about modern candidates here.
No, in 1916 the third was J. Frank Hanly, still another former Indiana governor who led the Prohibition Party ticket. No, I’m not kidding—I’m stone cold sober, and so was he. He’d been trying to make America a dry country for many years, and this was the pinnacle of his attempts to save our livers. When a man compares liquor to slavery, you know he’s serious. Imagine what social media would do with that today?
Hanly was confident his beloved cause of saving America from the evils of alcohol would propel the Prohibition Party to victory—stop laughing, I’m not done. Yes, Hanly underestimated his country’s love of booze, and his party got only 1.19 percent of the vote. The winner? Wilson with 49.25 percent, which continued Indiana’s Marshal as vice-president. I suppose they celebrated with a brewskie.
Considering that just a year later Wilson—who originally ran on an anti-war platform—brought us into WWI, maybe the others were thankful.
So there you have it: Three Hoosiers in one election, and only the average amount of mudslinging. Way better than when Alexander Hamilton claimed Thomas Jefferson was having an affair with one of his slaves (which was true, by the way), or when Ben Franklin’s grandson called John Adams “old, querulous, bald, blind, crippled, (and) toothless”. Adams was also called a hermaphrodite, and his son John Quincy was accused of being a pimp.  Andrew Jackson’s opponents declared Jackson to be a cannibal. So he ate them.
Maybe the clowns aren’t so bad.
 

I scheduled a book signing for November 16th under the theory that by then Election Day madness would be all over but the shouting. What didn’t occur to me was that promoting the appearance might be drown out by that very same election hoopla. In all the fuss, and with so many of the smart people who read books avoiding social media (told you they were smart), will anyone even know about it? The author appearance, not the election.

It could be a very lonely four hours (at the library in Albion, 3-7 p.m.). But I persevere, because surely people want to give books as gifts—they’re so much more entertainment than “Don’t blame me, I voted for neither of them” bumper stickers. 

Ah, but I promised to tell you who’s going to win the election. Easy: Once the cemetery votes are in, Hillary Clinton will handily win the Electoral College in what will be termed a blowout. She’ll squeak by in the popular vote in what will be termed a mandate, with a few states being too close to call but most of those going to her in the end. Most networks will call it by around 10 p.m. Florida will be called by around December. 

This is not a political opinion, by the way: Just a prediction. While I have a great personal dislike for Clinton, I also have a great personal dislike for Trump, so at the moment (it’s late Sunday as I write this), I’m mostly just numb. Those of you who like her politics, be comforted by this: Some of our better political leaders were unsavory people, in one way or another. 

And we now live in a country where anyone, of any race or gender, could be elected president, so there’s that. Race or gender is a poor reason to vote for someone, but it’s also a poor reason to vote against someone.

As first seen in print and then online, but for some reason without my original title, in the Kendallville Mall:  http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunter---slightly-off-the-mark/weird-crazy-laws


SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

 

            You probably think the US Congress, our nation’s legislative body, comes up with some really crazy laws and makes insane, or at least dumb, decisions.

            You’d be right.

            However, they’re not the only ones. Across the world, there are laws, rules, and regulations that are just a bit … strange. That doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t make sense, but they’re definitely attention grabbing. As we hit once again the dog-days of election season (November-October) let’s take a look at some.

            Speaking of dogs, there was a time when dogsleds were the only way to get around in Antarctica, a place perpetually frozen. I know what you’re thinking: Couldn’t we relocate America’s Capitol to there, and let all that hot air thaw it out? Well, no. First, it wouldn’t be such a good idea to thaw Antarctica. Haven’t you ever seen The Thing?

            Second, Antarctica doesn’t belong to the people of the USA. Of course, these days neither does our Capitol.

            Sorry for my dogged political jokes. My point is it’s a good thing powered equipment came along, because it’s no longer legal to have dogs in Antarctica, something the dogs are no doubt happy about. Why? Because it’s illegal to have any non-indigenous species in Antarctica. After all, look at the bad things that happen when non-native species are introduced to an area. Hordes of dogs could destroy the entire continent’s ecosystem.

            If hordes of dogs would survive down there.

            Just the same, I support this, for the sake of penguins and … um … fish.

            Speaking of politicians, there’s one thing that will keep you out of political office in the great state of Tennessee. Well, two things – you have to actually live in Tennessee if you run for election. I doubt they’d take to carpetbaggers, either … you hear that, Hillary Clinton?

            But back to the point: It’s illegal in Tennessee to hold elected office if you don’t believe in God. Discrimination, you say? Maybe, but it’s also illegal to seek public office if you’re a member of the clergy. Or if you’ve ever had anything to do with dueling, such as setting up a gun fight between a preacher and an atheist. And yet, for all that, they don’t have trouble finding people to run for office.

            What do we take from this? If you’re an atheist in Tennessee, you don’t have a prayer.

            Yeah, I went there.

            Let’s go back a ways – say, to 1403. About that time some people in Wales rebelled against the King of England, Henry IV, who was just half the man Henry VIII would be. Being a king, Henry naturally enacted a law allowing his subjects to, well, hang any Welshman they found within the rebellion-hotbed city of Chester, in northwest England.

            Furthermore, Henry added, he wanted to keep his subjects both entertained and skilled at fighting. So, he allowed them to shoot at any Welshman within arrow distance of the town.
            It wasn’t nice; it’s just the way things were done back then. What makes this law remarkable is that … wait for it …

            It’s still a law.

            So if you live in Chester, and you own a crossbow – go for it, dude! You’re all good.

            Maybe the Welsh should do what Sao Paulo, Brazil, does. Over 41 million people live there, making it one of the largest provinces in the world. Why so many people?

            Maybe because, by city ordinance, no one living in the city of Biritiba-Mirim within the province is allowed to … stop living.

            It’s a tough rule to enforce. I mean, how do you punish people who break it? The death penalty?

            Turns out the rule was made to protest to a national law, something we Americans can understand. The country as a whole prohibits new cemeteries in environmentally sensitive areas, and Biritba-Mirin sits on a major water source. The city has run out of cemetery space, a grave situation, although … do you really want to feel like you’re drinking your ancestors?

            For now, if people break the rule in Biritba-Mirin and pass away, they end up sharing a crypt with another body – or they end up buried under local sidewalks. So either you’re on a party line to the afterlife, or you feel like someone’s walking on your grave.

            Back in England, there’s also one place where it’s illegal to die: the House of Parliament. Why? Because anyone who kicks the bucket there is automatically entitled to a state funeral. Imagine some loud American tourist standing there in his Hawaiian shirt, who suddenly chokes on a ham sandwich and – as they say – bites the big one. Yeah, they gotta give him a state funeral.

            It’s also illegal to wear a suit of armor inside Parliament, but I’m picturing them repealing that rule and sticking the dead tourist in one, so he doesn’t look out of place during the festivities.

            But at least you can chew gum. In Singapore, they’ll cane you for that. The place is a little … uptight.

            Finally, here’s my favorite somewhat odd law of them all, not because of its oddity but because I can relate:

            In New Orleans, it’s illegal to curse at firefighters.

            The idea is that while a firefighter is, say, running into a burning building, or doing CPR on a heart attack victim, or extricating people from a wrecked car, he’s probably stressed enough. He doesn’t need, “Hey! You’re a lousy firefighter, you @%#&!”

            So be nice to firefighters. For all you know, they may have just adopted some poor unemployed Antarctic dog.


This unemployed Antarctic dog was recently adopted by a Welsh firefighter.
http://markrhunter.blogspot.com/2015/08/jumping-in-with-both-3048-centimeters.html

 

            I originally wrote this in early June, long before Donald Trump raised his hair into the presidential fray, and then promptly forgot about it. If only I could forget about Trump’s hair.

 

            You’d think America would support a Presidential candidate who chose to be honest and bold, as opposed to most candidates in living memory. Now the Democrats have a candidate who took a bold statement, who’s absolutely right about his bold statement, and who doesn’t stand a chance because of his bold statement.

Lincoln Chaffee—love that name—took aim at Hillary Clinton’s knees, which is about as high as he’s going to get to beating her. Maybe ankles. In his announcement he said America should become internationalist, which is another of those ideas that’s excellent in the perfect idealist world.

And as part of becoming internationalist, Chaffee thinks it’s high time America went metric.

He’s right, and I’m not just saying that because I’d vote for him over Clinton. I’d vote for almost anyone over Clinton.

As Chaffee pointed out, the United States is one of only three nations that don’t use the metric system. The other two are Myanmar and Liberia, and they’re not exactly movers and shakers, are they? There’s some question about whether Liberia’s even still there.

The metric system is simple and logical, easy to follow increments of tens and hundreds. They even stuck in the simplest possible way to measure temperature, with water freezing at zero and boiling at 100. Easy-peasy. Simple to use, better for business and science, and right in line with the rest of the world.

No wonder Americans hate it.

We’re a contrary people, and we don’t automatically go along, whether it makes sense or not. If the rest of the world jumped off the Empire State Building, we’d laugh and point. Also, in our divisive political system, it’s impossible for someone on one side to make a suggestion—no matter how reasonable—without the other side demonizing the idea. Here’s an example of what happens instead of a reasonable discussion:

“Maybe, since we’re at war with terrorist groups and being infiltrated by drug dealers, we should make more of an effort to secure our borders?”

Racist!”

There’s also a not-unreasonable fear that some of the other ideas embraced by the rest of the world don’t work so well here. Maybe going metric would help more than it would hurt, but what would we be pushed to change next? After all:

Give ‘em 2.54 centimeters and they’ll take 1.6093 kilometers.

ozma914: mustache Firefly (mustache)
( Jul. 31st, 2015 02:09 pm)

I’ve been away from the computer lately, for vacationy stuff. It was refreshing and usually fun, and we even managed to get out of the area for a week—not exactly a relaxing kind of a trip, as I’ll detail later.

 

Sometimes fun is sitting on a beach with a good book; sometimes fun is clamboring into caves and hiking to waterfalls while researching a good book. Don’t worry, there’ll be photos.

 

I’ve been neglecting my blog terribly, which isn’t a good thing for a working writer. Recently I read writers should put a “selling” post on their blog and social media only once every six posts or so. That makes sense: Why read someone when all they ever talk about is how often you should read them? By the way, you should read me often.

 

Sometimes it’s hard to control that: Such as earlier this month, when I had a book signing, and later next month, when I have a new book release as well as some appearances. But ordinarily I think it’s a good idea, if you want people to think your writing is entertaining, to write entertaining stuff.

 

I’d look just like Captain Obvious if I was just a bit slimmer.

 

Some blogging experts (can you get a degree in that?) believe your blog should be narrowly focused. If you’re a tree frog expert and keep your posts all about tree frogs, you’ll soon be followed by hundreds, if not thousands, of tree-frog entheusiasts, right? And whether you submit your book about tree frogs to a publisher or go independent, having a following of tree-frog lovers ready to buy your book is a huge advantage.

 

Makes sense.

 

But I’m a person of eclectic, if low-brow, tastes. I don’t have one obsession alone unless it’s writing, and if I write only about writing doesn’t that bring me back to the original problem? The only thing my interests really have in common is humor, and sometimes not that.

 

So here’s an idea: rotating through various subjects, in addition to talking about the writer’s life. Not necessarily on a specific day, but mixing it up so there’s something for everyone, and when appropriate loading some humor into it. Some possible topics include entertainment (Hey, I still watch some TV) and the possibly related book/movie reviews; emergency services (‘cause I’ve got that firefighter/911 dispatcher thing going on); photography (pictures make everything better); history (we’re releasing a humorous history book next year, which will make my third history related project); local/Indiana stuff; politics (if I can stomach it); and … I don’t know. What else?

 

So what do you think? As always I have to think about what will sell the most books, but above all I have to be funny, or entertaining … or maybe the word is interesting. It turns out a proper blog is a lot of work.

ozma914: (Storm Chaser)
( Jul. 31st, 2014 09:23 pm)

 

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

 

 

            I’ve spent a lot of time looking into what the US government spends money on. In fact, you could say I’ve spent so much time on their spending that nothing surprises me.

 

            You could say that, but you’d be wrong.

 

            Now they’re getting into my territory, dropping a million dollars into a project studying romance novels. Your taxpayer dollars are also going into a documentary on superheroes, a zombie video game, and promoting a ninja who’s supposed to sneak in and educate children about climate change, among many other things.

 

            But it was the romance stuff that grabbed my attention. Some say a million bucks isn’t much, by Fed standards. My response is to suggest they’ve lost their grip on reality – and math – but never mind.

 

           

 

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

 

 

            So there’s this rich guy named Donald Sterling, who told his half-black girlfriend that he doesn’t like black people. And even though he said it behind the doors of his own home, somebody recorded it and now everybody knows, and they won’t let him be anywhere near his own business anymore.

 

            That’s pretty much it. Now the media has mostly moved on, while Sterling is losing that business in return for a whole lot of money, which makes him just as rich but still not a nice guy.

 

            Sterling, who owns a basefootketball team or something like that, has a long history of saying racist things. His newest rant caused the predictable argument between Republicans and Democrats, each side claiming Sterling belongs to the other. It was like when I used to get picked last in gym class.

 

            The truth turned out to be unclear. Sterling, despite a history of contributing to Democratic candidates, is a registered Republican. Maybe he’s a Republican in name only, making him a RINO elephant … but his contributions to Democrats are a pittance for someone of his wealth. It was the equivalent of Donald Trump throwing loose change at a RINO wino.

 

            Despite myself, I dug into his background, trying to look under his white hood and get a sense of the man. My conclusion: He’s not left or right. He’s just a bad guy, probably throwing his support at anyone who helps him make money.

 

            I’ve known some decent rich people who work hard, then give back. Donald Sterling’s not one of them.

 

           

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

 

            It wouldn’t be another year if we didn’t come across lists of new words, something I discussed when the year was new. But what about old words? Now I’ve also found a list of words that at least one expert (insert air quotes here) believes should be retired. Next week, maybe I’ll find a list of annoying writing habits (such as the overuse of parenthesis).

            One that made the list is the word “huge”, not because of the word itself but because of the way it’s been used. This is maybe nit-picking, a term that was banned in 1994, but huge does not mean very important or very interesting. Sometimes it’s used both ways in the same sentence:

            “Astronomers have made the huge discovery of a huge planet way out where it shouldn’t be, in a huge orbit far from its huge sun.”

            “We’re having a huge sale on king size mattresses! They’re huge!”

            More accurate would be: “Oprah’s huge this year! No, I don’t mean her ratings; she must have gone off her diet.”

            Or, “Is Rush Limbaugh still huge? Let me wave away that cigar smoke … yep. Dude, even talk show hosts exercise.”

            Here’s another one: “The ___ cliff”. One commentator said he was happy we averted the fiscal cliff last year, but that it’s a horrible metaphor.

            I don’t know if I’d use the term “averted” … that makes it sound as if the problem went away, instead of being kicked down the road, which is another overused but descriptive term. Still, maybe he had a point. Maybe we’re headed toward a fiscal concrete wall, or perhaps more accurately, a fiscal train wreck. This will be comforting for those of you who are afraid of heights.

            Here’s one I agree with wholeheartedly: YOLO. The new generation can’t be bothered to spell things out, but for those of you over forty that means “You only live once”. Unless you’re James Bond, who only lived twice on Her Majesty’s Secret Service while sipping Thunderballs with Dr. No and Goldfinger.

            In theory, YOLO is a great concept. You only live once, so work hard for that college education! Keep a good attitude! Pursue your chosen career! Make good karmic points, just in case you’re wrong and get reincarnated!

            Unfortunately, in practice YOLO is used as an excuse for stupidity. “Dude – I’ll only live once, so I’m going to get so wasted and jump my skateboard over the shed and onto a moving pickup truck. YOLO!”

            If you only live once, shouldn’t you want to stick around for a while?

            Sequester means setting something apart, separating it. Well, it’s supposed to. Now it’s synonymous with that overused term, kicking the can down the road. Sequester, in today’s terms, signifies a group of elected officials who can’t be bothered to follow their actual job description, and so put off working on budget issues because they know they’ll probably get reelected even if they go on camera and call their constituents blind idiots. We should retire sequester and replace it with “bureaucratic dictator for life”.

            Bubble. I used to like bubbles. They floated around, reflected the light, delighted kids and dogs. Now they burst and cause economic crisis, so off with them!

            We had a tech bubble and a housing bubble and a stock-market bubble, and now apparently we have a bitcoin bubble. The longer a bubble lasts, the worse things go when it bursts. So here’s an idea for you to chew on: The federal government spending bubble has been expanding for a long, long time. Because we keep kicking it down the road.

            The New Normal. It means things have changed. Well, things always change, people. I’ve been through a half dozen new normals in my lifetime. Forty, if you count clothing styles.

            Bromance. Kirk and Spock, Han and Chewie, Starsky and Hutch, Goose and Maverick, Ernie and Bert … I could go on all day about guys who love each other like brothers, including Sam and Dean from Supernatural, who not only love each other like brothers but actually are brothers.

            It’s living proof that two guys can be incredible close without being close in that way, not that there’s anything wrong with that way. But these guys spend all their time together without getting together – except in the infamous slash fanfictions that suggest Kirk would go for a guy who only gets in the mood once every seven years.

            Then we have Man___. Man what, you say? Mancave, manplaining, mancation … manopause. I think I’m going through that last one right now.

            Mancaves often end up being in the garage … to show you how out of touch I am, my mancave has a desk, computer, and stacks upon stacks of books. It’s my literary Hoosier Heaven.

            I’m not sure, but I suspect the term was invented to give men a sense of ownership, now that they’re becoming more and more aware that they never were really in charge.

            Here’s another term some people think should go away: online waiting room.

            Apparently that’s where you’re expected to wait while Healthcare.gov spins around and decides whether to tell you how much higher your premiums and deductible are going to be. I’ve got news for you on that one:

            It’s not going away soon, even if we kick it down the road and over a cliff.

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