Slightly Off the Mark

May 1st was the 10th anniversary of the publication of Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All. So the theme of this blog is: no, not that, it's "reviews".

 Authors often beg, and sometimes pay for, reviews of their books. (Note: I do NOT pay for reviews.) They're critically important for our success, both because they pump up our algorithms in various book seller and social media sites, and because they put the eyes of readers on your writing. Not literally. Ew.

Your review doesn't have to be as detailed as this one: A simple "I like this book", or even throwing some stars at it, helps greatly. Still, I really like this review, because, well, the reviewer thinks I'm funny. I've always said, if you can't be rich or have superpowers, be funny. Okay, I said it once.

In addition to the review, the Whatzup regional magazine also printed a 2016 article about the book's release, which you can find here:

https://whatzup.com/featured-writer-mark-r-hunter-the-writing-fireman/ 

Just in time for Indiana’s bicentennial comes a new history book, that compiles everything notable about our fair state through the ages into one tidy volume. Yes, it’s a book about Indiana history, but it is worth reading anyway, not just because you really should know something about the state in which you live (and in which you were probably born and raised, too) but because it’s written by Noble County native Mark R. Hunter, and he’s a pretty funny guy.

His take on Indiana history is thorough but irreverent, and even if you have to cast a skeptical eye on some of his historical claims (I honestly don’t think the prehistoric mounds in central Indiana were actually ancient outhouses), you’ll probably learn some new true facts about your state by the time you’ve finished the book.

In Hoosier Hysterical, Hunter begins almost at the very beginning of Indiana history. He doesn’t start with the Hoosier state congealing out of a mass of molten goo as the Earth’s crust solidified, but he picks up the story just a little later, when the first humans wandered into the land we know so well.

“Some of them made their way to Central America, discovered chocolate, and lived in paradise,” he writes. “Others took a wrong turn while circling Indianapolis, and boy, is that easy to do. They settled in the Midwest, imported corn from the much happier natives of Central America, and the rest is history.”

That history is the story that Hunter tells, from the settling of the eventual state by those early natives, to the later infiltration of the land by Europeans, to the centuries that the Indiana territory spent as a wilderness battleground where those Europeans fought off the natives and each other, established forts and settlements, and generally made a mess of things.

Hunter’s journey through Indiana’s history is long and detailed, but it sticks closely to the highlights you’d find in a drier, not so fun history book in school. You’ll find out about William Henry Harrison and Tecumseh and Anthony Wayne and Tippecanoe, and all those other famous names that you’ve heard about at one time or another, but can’t quite remember what it was that you were supposed to remember about them.

The book’s heavy on what happened before the state was a state, and what happened during the first hundred years that it was a state. The second hundred years, not so much. Hunter augments the history, though, with trivia—which is very closely related to history when you think about it. He gives us explanations of Indiana’s symbols (did you know Indiana has an official state rock?) and he crafts loving, if silly stories about all those Indiana things we’ve come to love by living here all our lives. He even tackles the greatest of all Hoosier mysteries, the origin of the word “Hoosier.” Of course, he doesn’t provide a convincing theory of the word’s origination (no one ever has or ever will) but at least he has fun trying. 

There are also many chapters about things that make Indiana special: the Indianapolis 500, the many famous people who were born here, the movies and TV shows that were either set or filmed in Indiana, the state’s many parks and natural attractions and many other tidbits and minutiae. Did you know that the famous Coca-Cola bottle design was created in Terre Haute? Neither did I, but now we both do. These are the kinds of things that make it possible to live with even a tiny bit of pride in a state that rarely makes it to the top of the lists of really important things.

We native Hoosiers have spent our lives in a state of constant self-deprecation. We’ve had to, having been born in a state that most other Americans wouldn’t be able to find on a map.

We’ve learned how to gently mock the state of our birth while maintaining a quiet affection for a place that is actually pretty nice if you really pay attention to it. That’s a balance that Hunter holds quite well throughout Hoosier Hysterical, and the book is one more Hoosier product that we can be proud of.

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·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

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·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

 Let's talk assassination attempts. But let's make it fun.

Assassinations aren't funny, of course. But neither is is getting injured by a mechanical device, and I've built several humor blogs out of that subject. Thankfully it's been 63 years since the last successful attempt to kill an American president, but that's not from lack of trying.

I just realized, I'm 63 ... but my mother had an alibi.

Were people actually trying to kill President Trump? Yes. Look, for a decade people have been actively, publicly, and specifically wishing for Trump's death, so it's no surprise someone swaying over the edge of sanity would actually try. Besides, if the most recent attempt was faked, the guy would have been conveniently offed by the Secret Service.

Abraham Lincoln is practically a saint now, but when he was president a whole section of the country hated him. By the way, about a month before his assassination Lincoln became the target of a kidnapping plot, which I read about while researching for our Hoosier Hysterical sequel.

The bad guys planned to kidnap Lincoln on his way to a play (!), and hold him hostage in exchange for the release of every single Confederate prisoner of war. Apparently they thought the POWs would immediately take up arms again, but I think most would have headed home.

The leader of the plot, an actor named John Wilkes Booth, was no doubt enraged when Lincoln chose to skip the theater, and instead rode to the National Hotel in Washington. There Lincoln presented a Civil War battle flag to Indiana Governor Oliver P. Morton.

So ... Indiana saved Lincoln's life, at least for a few weeks.

Oh, I almost forgot: The night before he shot Lincoln, Booth stayed in--the National Hotel.

The next President to be assassinated was James Garfield, by an office seeker who thought he didn't get enough credit for getting Garfield elected. What most people don't know is that there was a previous attempt on Garfield's life, in which a rabies-infected tabby cat was thrown at him in Indiana. Luckily, the cat was distracted by a lasagna shop.

Then there was William McKinley, who was shot by an anarchist promoting, I assume, anarchy. Instead of anarchy we got Theodore Roosevelt.

 John F. Kennedy was the last assassinated president, dying in 1963, and I once more want to point out my mother and I both had alibis.

In 1981 Ronald Reagan did get shot, but survived, although he complained to his wife that he forgot to duck. Reagan lost half his blood volume, which may be why he scribbled a note to a nurse in which he quoted W.C. Fields: "All in all, I'd rather be in Philadelphia".

And where did that shooting take place? The Washington Hilton, scene of the latest incident involving Trump. They're going to get a reputation. 

Thankfully, many attempts failed:

When a man tried to shoot Andrew Jackson, both of his pistols misfired. (Although they later worked fine, so--angels?) Jackson then beat the man down with his cane.

In 1909 President Taft headed for a summit in Mexico, where he was guarded by the Texas Rangers, the Secret Service, FBI, U.S. Marshals, 4,000 soldiers, and a 250-member private security team.

Shockingly, nobody got a shot off at Taft. Still, a Texas Ranger discovered an armed man waiting along the procession route.

In 1974 a man tried to kill President Nixon by flying a hijacked jet airliner into the White House. He killed two people, but was shot before he got off the ground: He'd forgotten to remove the plane's wheel blocks.

Later that same year, a man known as the Alphabet Bomber sent a message saying he was going to kill newly minted President Gerald R. Ford. Sending the message was his mistake.

Notice they've all been men? Well, the 70s was a time of women's liberation, so in the cause of equal rights two women tried to shoot Ford, 17 days apart, in California. Both were stymied by the fact that they hadn't familiarized themselves with their handguns. Insert your own misogynistic joke here.

 The truth is, just about every American president has been the target of assassins, especially in recent decades. Left wing, right wing, cuckoo wingnut wing, they all have one thing in common: Hatred. To be honest, I find hatred to be exhausting.

But let's go back to Theodore Roosevelt, who was shot because of a different president's assassination.

As he prepared to give a speech in 1912, Roosevelt, famously long-winded, folded up his 50 page speech and stuck it in his coat pocket, along with his eyeglass case. Then he was shot by a man who was instructed to do so by William McKinley, who had also been shot--12 years before--and was, well, dead.

The bullet was slowed by the case and the speech, and lodged in Roosevelt's chest muscles. Roosevelt, with blood seeping through his shirt, then delivered a 90 minute speech before going to the hospital.

You can't kill that kind of toughness.

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

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 Last week I posted a blog about the Artemis Moon missions. When I put the link to that blog on social media, I headlined with a really cool Artemis logo:

Well, the artwork just took off. That was great: People seeing the illustration would read my blog, and some of them might be interested enough to check out the links to our books, and next thing you know our sales will shoot up to the five figures--maybe even the medium five figures!

The day after the blog came out it had 21 views, but then I started putting up the link on social media. (Except for Substack, which is kind of a thing of its own.) Facebook, for those of you who don't know, has been rumored to suppress links that lead elsewhere, but there's a workaround: Put the photo on the post, but the link to the blog in the comments.

Look at me, look at me! Pay no attention to the bird.

It worked, too, because I tried it twice on FB: With the link in the post, I got 5 likes and 2 reposts. But with the link hidden in the first comment, I got 90 likes and 16 reposts! I couldn't wait to see that reflected in my blog views.

A few days later I double checked: 25 blog views views. According to my fingers, posting my blog link all over the internet increased interest by ... four.

What happened? Well, what happened is the artwork was just too cute. Everybody thought so. They even sent it to their friends. What they didn't do was click on the link and read the blog. (Yes, I did say in the blog where the link would be found.) This is clearly my fault, although of course I tried to find someone else to blame.

Look, cute dog and cool clouds in the same pic! And a fridge. And power lines. Click the link!

There's a lesson to be drawn from this, and I'm working on what that is. Maybe it's that you shouldn't be too cute. Maybe it's that people don't read blogs anymore. I did get 174 clicks on a blog last month, though, not including the 40 or more I typically get on Substack, and other places it appears. Looking back on that sentence, maybe the lesson I should learn is that I'm spreading myself too thin, but never mind.

  So from now on I'll put really good images inside the blog, and something bland and boring to headline social media. I'll also try to remember the old writer's adage that there are three good ways to get attention online, but nobody knows what they are.
 

Maybe I could blog a photo of me blogging a photo of me.

 (Seriously, the three things are: Call somebody names, get arrested, or post nude pics.)

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: A blog is like a book: You read it. No, this isn’t going into my Best Of epilogue tags.

I was going to be science officer on a starship.

Yes, I was aware the position didn't actually exist at the time, but we'd just landed on the moon! By the time I entered high school we'd have a city on Mars, and by the time I graduated college I'd be shipping out to explore the galaxy. I already had a blue sweatshirt with a logo on it, and a Spock haircut.

Which is why I gave up the haircut in middle school, but never mind.

Back then it seemed obvious our future was in space. Why? Well, the example of Europeans continuing to explore the Americas after Columbus (or the Vikings) is problematic--although if they hadn't, I wouldn't be here. Still, the Native Americans themselves once followed the path of exploration:

"What's over that next hill?"

"Food, maybe? I see there's a glacier coming up behind us, so maybe we should check it out."

By high school manned space exploration seemed a thing of the past, but I was still optimistic of humanity's future in space. I signed up for every science class my school offered, starting my freshman year with what was called General Science. I excelled, earning an A+ and a certificate of merit. I wanted to take Physical Science next, but the only opening on my sophomore schedule was Chemistry.

My science teacher cautioned me that maybe I shouldn't jump ahead so fast. I ignored him. My science teacher was very smart. I wasn't.

 Because, you see, going into space takes math. Lots of math. Taking Intro to Algebra in my freshman year taught me my proficiency in math was, well, not proficient. In fact, I stunk at it. But what the heck, science isn't all about math. How much math could there possibly be in chemistry?

And that's how I learned I would never be a science officer.

Science is cool, it really is. It's just that some people can do science, and some people are better off watching other people do science. Now we have Artemis returning to the Moon, several decades too late even if I was good at science. With my prostate, I'm better off not being in a place where peeing is a challenge, anyway.

(No, I'm not going to debate anyone with the idiotic idea that the Apollo missions were faked. That myth has been busted over and over, and I spend most of my time on social media trying to avoid stupid arguments.)

 But should we go back to the Moon, with all the expense, with so many problems on Earth? I mean, we've been there. Once we invented chocolate ice cream, was there any point in inventing Butter Brickle?

Maybe that's a bad comparison: I hate Butter Brickle. But humanity is never going to be wiped out by a five mile wide scoop of frozen Butter Brickle, or for that matter a super volcano made of cheese, which would at least smell good for an instant before our nose hairs burned. The technology used for Butter Brickle isn't likely to bring great new inventions and products to the masses. Also, to be honest, there's no joy of discovery from exploring Butter Brickle, unless it's your first birthday party.

So I'm going to say yes, it is worth the risk and expense to explore space. Not just for the science and economic benefits, but also for the pure joy of discovering things. We could easily find the money by zapping government waste with a big Butter Brickle colored space laser.

After all, how do we know there's not some new kind of chocolate out there?

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: It was discovery that brought us the ability to print books in the first place.

I've had to explain to people that the events of the movie Apollo 13 really happened. They couldn't believe such a string of disasters could strike one space mission, or that the astronauts could have actually survived.

But the unrealistic part was the personal conflict. The astronauts yelled at each other, the ground crew yelled at each other, the astronauts yelled at the administrators ... it was a yell fest. Front and center was when Fred Haise blamed newbie Jack Swigert for not checking pressure levels before stirring the oxygen tanks, which led to the initial explosion.

Never happened. These people trained and practiced constantly, and were notorious cool under pressure. They didn't lose their tempers to the extent shown in the movie: they were rational, level headed, and team oriented. Why were they scripted differently?

Because a story needs conflict.

Conflict!

There was plenty of excitement in that story, but by adding conflict between the characters, the writers upped the tension and made the audience care more about the story. Go listen to the audio from the real Apollo 13 accident. They don't sound like they're in a life or death situation: They sound like a minor inconvenience broke out.

"Uh, Houston, Apollo 13 ... we've had a problem. A TP problem."

"Say again?"

"Houston, we've run out of toilet paper up here, and Fred has to take a big one. Well, leave a big one."

"Roger, Apollo 13, copy he's venting."

A problem with many writers is that they don't put in enough conflict. That includes me. I like my characters--I want them to get along. Sure, my good guys fight bad guys, but they got along with each other no matter how bad things were going. In real life, that's desirable; in fiction, it's boring. After all, a lot of what makes the reader happy are things you wouldn't want to have happen in real life. The Apollo 13 crew wanted a nice, uneventful walk on the Moon.

I still struggle with that, especially with my romance stories. I won't let my lovers be torn apart by something they could fix just by talking to each other. I poke fun at that in Radio Red: There's a scene where Kirsten gets mad at Aaron over something easily explained--until he easily explains it. Within minutes it's cleared up, leaving her embarrassed ... and leaving me to find other ways to keep them apart. (I don't think anyone caught on that I was poking at the trope.) If you're a writer, remember that conflict is important, but it can't be artificial. Don't have your characters fight over something ridiculous.

 Conflict in Apollo 13 would have been understandable--those guys were literally in a life or death situation. So make sure your characters don't always get along--if it makes sense with them and the story.

Even in the future, stories must have conflict.

 
Here's an example of how I added conflict to my romantic comedy, The Notorious Ian Grant. It's kind of an easy example, though. It's Ian's first meeting in several years with his sister, Allie (the star of Storm Chaser), and to say the two haven't gotten along is putting it mildly:

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 Someone shrieked as glass shot across the room between the dining table and the kitchen. Ian felt shards dig at his bare arm and saw others spatter across Fran, in the seat closest to him.

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: It’s hard to get into conflict if you’re busy reading.

 The branch of humor called punning has roots planted much further back in history than wood normally be guessed. John Pollack peels back the leaves of history to ...

That's enough. It's a book about puns, okay?

John Pollack has the credentials: He was an actual world pun champion, and also a political speechwriter, so he knows silly when he sees it. I'm talking about the political thing--it turns out puns were sometimes taken much more seriously than we take them these days.

Pollack traces puns back to the very formation of language itself, showing us examples from the earliest writing, and how they were used to assist communication, and later as a way to avoid censorship and undermine the status quo. Along the way, wordplay led to fatal duels, academic arguments, and a whole lot of groans and forehead slapping.

https://www.amazon.com/Pun-Also-Rises-Revolutionized-Language/dp/1592406750

Pollack's writing can sometimes be a bit dense, as he tackles entomology--no, wait, etymology. My aunt used to study entomology. Anyway, he dives into history, politics, language, and all the ways puns have been used and misused throughout history. Despite a heavy dose of--wait for it--puns, it's not always a bedtime read, unless you suffer from insomnia.

 Of course,  if you don't like puns you might want to stay away.

“That’s what they call a sanity clause.” “You can’t fool me, there ain’t no Sanity Claus.”

But for those of us who have even a passing interest in how language has evolved over the centuries and how it affected everything else, it's a fascinating read. Check it out. I mean, if you're in the library--otherwise, buy it.

Take a look at our books; and if you’re a particular fan of wordplay, try The Notorious Ian Grant or Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All.

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: To play on words can be painful, especially if you land on an X.

 So, I'm back to work as a dispatcher.

Just part time, mind you. This still might come as a shock to some, because I've said the job was having an impact on my mental and emotional health. You know, that stuff you used to make fun of when you were younger. Well, I used to.

But this is part time, and I think as long as I limit working long shifts I should be okay. I did feel bad for anyone who didn't want me to come back, but not too bad. More importantly, I felt bad about all the fuss that was made over me leaving, and--here I am again! Seriously, the other dispatchers threw me a party and sent me off with a lot of swag.

They get me.

No.

I've never understood people who go to work just because they can't seem to think of anything else to do. I have hundreds of books to read, and dozens to write, and that by itself  is more than enough to keep me busy. Bored? I'll admit, the first month I mostly just slept, but I have trails to hike, podcasts to hear, museums to visit, and I'm nowhere near caught up on Marvel movies and TV. (Do better, DC.) And grandkids!

 Bored? What, do you live at the BMV?

About, I'd estimate, $12,000 a year short.

I'd have to sell 25,000 books to make up that difference. Okay, I don't really know how many--a lot of factors are involved. But last year we sold around 750, and that's way too few zeroes.

(*NOTE* The royalty statement arrived from Arcadia Publishing: They moved 405 copies of Haunted Noble County and 9 copies of Images of America: Albion and Noble County. So the grand total of books sold in 2025: 979. So close to my 1,000 book goal!)

Anyone who follows the publishing business can tell you being an author is getting harder, not easier. Even if I did sell that many books this year, I wouldn't know for sure until the royalty statements started arriving a few months into 2027.

Not that I won't try selling more. But part of the time I planned to spend writing will have to go toward paying the bills, at least until that three book, six figure deal comes in.

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter

·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: If you stay home reading, you might not have to call 911.

Some say the best advice when it comes to tornadoes is to keep your insurance paid up and update your will.

My advice is just as simple: At the beginning of March, dig a big hole in your back yard, then get into it wearing a helmet and one of those "Red man" protective suits a police dog can't penetrate. Then have the hole lined in concrete and covered with an armored steel plate. The order of this is very important: Get in the hole before you have it sealed off with concrete and steel. You might want to bring in some water, snacks, a portable toilet, maybe a book to read, and, of course, a bottle of oxygen.

(I would suggest you take along my novel Storm Chaser. 'Cause--theme.)

Now wait until, say, November. Then, since winter will be approaching, but hurricane season is past, move to the Gulf Coast. Because tornado season down there is pretty much year round, you'll have to dig another hole and buy more concrete and steel. Vicious cycle.

Okay, a quick review of weather terms. A severe thunderstorm watch means you might get severe thunderstorms. A severe thunderstorm warning means the light show has already started. I don't really get what's hard about that, but it still confuses people.

Similarly, a tornado watch means conditions are right for a tornado to form, and you should, you know, watch. In the novel The Wizard of Oz that's literal, as Uncle Henry goes outside, watches, then announces, "There's a cyclone coming, Em ... I'll go look after the stock". At that point, it became a warning.

How he plans to protect the stock is unclear, but if there's one thing the movie Twister taught us, it's that you have to watch for low flying cows. Meanwhile, in the time it takes for Toto to hide under the bed and thus endanger Dorothy (man's best friend--hah), the cyclone is upon them and the next thing you know ... witch pancake.

If Henry only had a radio, TV, internet, alert scanner, or nearby siren, he might have had enough warning to look after the stock and make sure Em and Dorothy got the the cellar. The witch would still get smooshed, so--happy ending for all. Except for the Scarecrow on his pole and the rusted Tin Woodsman and the Winkies being terrorized by the other witch ... okay, bad example.

But hey, it was 1900. You don't have to literally watch anymore. You don't want to be under a cow when it drops in. Or a house.

A tornado warning means a tornado or funnel cloud has been spotted in your area. Over the years I've managed to take a few pictures of funnel clouds, which puts me in the camp of people who are too dumb to metaphorically (and sometimes literally) come in out of the rain. There are now millions of photos and videos of tornadoes; is it worth having one of your own? It is not.

Remember this easy rhyme: Red Sky In the Morning: You're Screwed.

What should you do if a tornado warning is declared? Go to a windowless interior room on the lowest level of your house. If you're in a building with no basement--what were you thinking? But lower is always better.

Windows are bad. Tornadoes, hurricanes, meteor strikes--it's amazing how many people get cut up by glass during natural disasters. (I'm not kidding about the meteor strikes: just ask the people in Chelyabinsk, Russia.)

Old timers used to crack a window to equalize pressure, or go to a specific corner of a room, but that's proven to be unhelpful. Besides, the tornado will take care of cracking all the windows. You're better off under a piece of sturdy furniture--Toto had the right idea--that you can hold onto. A small center room, such as a closet, or under a stairwell is good, and a bathtub might offer some protection.

So, let's review: Your safest location is in a bathtub that's in a closet under a stairwell in your basement. My bathroom is the size of a closet, so that's a start.

Actually, your safest location would be in the states of Alaska, Rhode Island, or Vermont, which each average less than one tornado a year. But this is the Midwest, under the tourism-attracting nickname of "Tornado Alley". Indiana ranks #14 in states for the number of tornadoes. If adjusted for square miles, our rank might be higher.

Now, since tornado safety is really a serious subject, here are a couple of links to websites that treat things that way:

http://www.tornadoproject.com/safety/safety.htm

http://www.redcross.org/get-help/how-to-prepare-for-emergencies/types-of-emergencies/tornado#Before

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Remember: Even in bad weather, you can read as long as your flashlight battery holds up.

 One of the strange things about the writing business is that it can be very difficult for an author to find out how well he's actually doing. How many sales did I make in 2025? I dunno. Somewhere between 500 and 10,000, but you can guess which extreme is closer.

For instance, I can tell you Emily and I sold 172 copies of Haunted Noble County, Indiana through direct sales last year. That includes author appearances, website orders, and copies sold by Butterfly Alley Books here in Albion, among other things.

Look! An author!

But that book is traditionally published. Arcadia Publishing not only has it on their website, they got it up on bookseller websites all over the place, and also attempted to get print copies sold in various local businesses and other places. When they did that with Images of America: Albion and Noble County, it appeared on the shelves at a Fort Wayne Barnes & Noble, and I encountered it on a rack at a local Walgreens. So, how many places carried print copies of Haunted Noble County?

No idea.

 And How many copies of that book were sold through the publisher and all those websites?

No clue. 

That's because publishers only send royalty statements every quarter or (in the case of this one) every six months. Images of America: Albion and Noble County sold 292 copies through Arcadia Publishing the first year it came out, 2015 (in August). I didn't find that out until March 29, 2016.

 This will come as a shock to you, but the publishing industry in general is notorious for not keeping authors in the loop.

So when I tell you how many books we sold in 2025, it's a best estimate, which is 565.

That is, 565 copies of all 12 of our titles. Industry pundits will tell you the average number of sales for a new book are around 200 in the first year, and fewer than 1,000 in their lifetime. Is that true? I dunno. If it is, the Images of America book did pretty good. If Haunted Noble County sold about the same then we have reason to be proud, because 292 plus the 172 we know we sold is, let's see .... 464, twice that possibly true average.

But I can't count that higher number, yet. So I'm going with 565, which compares with 539 in 2022, 624 in 2023, and 492 in 2024 (a year in which we didn't release any new books). That's 2,215 copies sold in four years, not counting the Arcadia Publishing numbers. The breakdown for 2025:

172    Haunted Noble County, Indiana 

113    Storm Chaser

110    Hoosier Hysterical 

107    Coming Attractions

20    The Notorious Ian Grant

15    Storm Squalls

11    The No-Campfire Girls

6    Slightly Off the Mark 

6    Images of America: Albion and Noble County 

3    Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights 

2    More Slightly Off the Mark

0    Radio Red (*sob*! But this is the one we're working on re-releasing.)

 My goal this year is the same as last year: to sell a thousand books. Wish me better luck this time around.

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Remember: Happy writers make for happy books.

Sometimes I get the feeling Smashwords wants Coming Attractions to always be free. This time, as they put it, it's the: