Slightly Off the Mark

 There's been a lot of ice this winter. Okay, there's a lot of ice every winter, but maybe a little bit more this winter. So, as a public service and because I can't control myself, I wrote a song to teach everyone how to walk on ice or, as the authorities put it, "Walk like an old penguin".

No, seriously.

See? I don't make this stuff up. (Actually, I made up the "old" penguin part, because if you really want to be careful, start worrying about breaking a hip.)

So, remember the Bangles and their song "Walk Like an Egyptian"?

Oh. You don't? Crap. Well, review the song first:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv6tuzHUuuk

Okay, now that it's in your head, here's "Walk Like an Old Penguin", which is set to the tune of ... well, I guess you know that, now:

Walk Like an Old Penguin

All the ice dropping down the roof

We do the ice dance don’t you know

If we move too quick (oh whey oh)

We’re falling down like a domino.

All the cars slide into a pile

They got insurance on the way

They’re on speed dial (oh whey oh)

More premiums that you’ll have to pay

Foreign cars with the broken bumpers

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

The business people on their way

They spin around when they hit the ice

Now they can’t move (oh whey oh)

A broken hip, it don’t feel too nice

All of us are so sick of snow

We have to salt and then plow again

When we see them fall (oh whey oh)

We’re walking like an old penguin

All the kids with the sidewalk skate say

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

 (Sliding instrumental interlude!)

Take short steps on ice, don’t break your back

Arms at your sides, you got the knack

Ice is hard you know (oh whey oh)

So don’t get hit by a Cadillac

Watch the way you step, with flat feet

On your way to the donut shop

Don’t sing and dance (oh whey oh)

You’ll spin out and, take a hard knock

All the witnesses with their phone

Film it first, then call 911

They stayed upright (oh whey oh)

They walk the line like a penguin.

All the docs at the ER door say

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

Walk like an old penguin

You'll notice Beowulf is walking like an Egyptian ... dog.

 I've been mostly offline due to being deathly ill for the last several days. (It was only a nasty head cold: Emily and I just felt like we were on the edge of death.) Luckily I'd scheduled our monthly newsletter just before that, and you can find it here:

https://mailchi.mp/a7d0d4972714/spring-has-sprung?e=2b1e842057

Of course, you can just subscribe to it, no questions asked. Once a month or so you get a cute picture of the dog, some writing stuff, and news or lack thereof about my attempts to get published again. Most people show up for the dog photo, I think.

But this particular newsletter has something different: a little song I wrote. Very little. Join us, and you probably won't be sorry! (Just so you know, we did not have a computer virus.)

You've seen this photo before, but in the newsletter it's usually a new one.

My initial reaction when hearing about the Broadway musical Hamilton was surprise that all these historical characters were being played by non-white actors. How was this better than having a white actor play a real black person? How would black people feel if they did an all-white version of Roots? Pissed, that's how they'd feel, and with good reason. (There are white actors in Hamilton, my favorite being the guy who plays the sometimes villainous, but mostly confused King George III.)

But that comparison is not the same. Stay with me; I'll get back to that.

Hamilton is not a movie version of the Broadway musical. It's the Broadway musical itself, filmed for release on Disney's very own streaming thingy that I got because I wanted Star Wars stuff. (The Mandalorian, see it!) In addition to my initial issue, Hamilton seemed over-hyped, had a lot of that rapping and hip hop stuff I never cared for, played fast and loose with history, and seemed a pale, puny thing beside my favorite musical, "1776". (Which also plays fast and loose with history, but never mind.)

But I watched it.

It is not over hyped. Oh, it is so very not over-hyped.

Spectacular, energetic, emotional, and wow. Sure, if you hate musicals you won't like it, but what kind of monster are you, anyway? (Sorry, William--inside joke.) I don't ever recall watching a musical that had me sitting on the edge of my chair. I don't recall the last time a movie made me tear up--more than once. And, having left drama club myself many years ago, I'd forgotten about the pure joy of a stage show.

Oh, and what's the show about? Well, shame on you if you don't know your history. (Which is why inaccuracies shouldn't be an issue--you people should already know this stuff.)

It's all about the life of future first U.S. Treasurer Alexander Hamilton, who as an orphan worked his way up from his dirt-poor beginnings and arrived in New York at an interesting time--just before the outbreak of the American Revolution. He meets future statues such as Aaron Burr, the Marquis de Lafeyette, and those Schuyler sisters, and eventually becomes the right hand man of the Continental Army's steel-willed commander, George Washington.

You've heard of Washington, right?

That's all covered in the first act. After all, there's a country to build in the second.

The story, in the end, is about Hamilton trying without much success to balance family and his own ambitions, which are pushed by memories of his impoverished childhood. His chief nemesis is future Vice-President Aaron Burr, and their power struggle fuels much of the conflict until an ending that you should have seen coming, if you cracked that history book. On the other side we have Eliza Schuyler, whose love for her husband Alexander causes her joy and pain over the course of their lives, and who provides much of the emotional center for the show.

Which is spectacular. Did I mention that?

 Hamilton is mostly sung (or rapped) opera style, and there never seems to be a moment when the cast, and even the stage, isn't on the move. It's almost exhausting, while also hilarious, heart-tugging, and engaging. Maybe it'll even get some people to pick up a history book.

And what about the color of the actors' skin?

Well, in short order you just don't notice it. Still, I think my comparison of white actors playing the black parts in Roots is unfair. There's a thread here, of people freeing themselves from the chains of another power, of the underprivileged trapped by their surroundings who fight to bring themselves up. Sure, lots of white people have been slaves through history, but rarely here, on the American continent. That's the story of black people, and it has its parallels with both Hamilton himself and the drive for American independence. Maybe someone at first just wanted to hire the people they knew for this play, or maybe to some it was a great gimmick, whatever ... but it works.

It hasn't pushed "1776" out as my favorite musical, but it's an apples and oranges thing anyway--and Hamilton is a solid number 2. And regardless of whether it makes you think, it sure makes you want to dance in your chair.

On a related note, keep this in mind for your Christmas list: I want the soundtrack.

Hey, I wrote a song!

It's not a great song ... but then, I'm not a great song writer. There are two problems: First, I meant it to be humorous, but it comes off as kind of depressing; chalk that up to the weather and my sinus infection, I suppose. Second, it's a song, and I was hearing the music in my head while writing the words (It has a country vibe). But I can't play it for you because I can't write music ... so it probably won't work as well as a poem. Maybe it's for the best, though, because I'm also not a great music writer. Or ... any music writer.

I should hold some contest, like: If I sell thirty books by the end of April, I'll post a video of me singing this. But that might lead to negative sales. "For Heaven's sake, don't sing! I'm sending your books back to you."

I call it: Springing Out of Springdom.

(I'm not a great title writer, either.)

I like to ride in the countryside

just to take in spring.

The flower blossoms, birds at play

and all the greening things.

But this year I've come to realize

something that's made me sad.

We won't get a spring this year

'cause we've all been too bad.

Yeah, we've all been too bad this year,

we just can't get along.

We fight and fuss and disagree

Even as the days get long.

Mother Nature said "Screw you!"

"I'll just evaporate."

So winter just won't end this year;

she left us to our fate.

So now the temp's below average

just like all our moods.

Plants are brown and grass is dead,

let's face it--we're all screwed.

Our tulips won't come up this year,

They're underneath a drift.

The robins are hitchhiking south,

their frozen wings won't lift.

Yes, we've all been too bad this year,

we don't deserve the spring.

Mosquitoes can't come out in this,

it's frostbite that'll sting.

Mother Nature said "Stuff it!"

and left us all to freeze.

so winter just won't end this year,

no flowers, birds, or bees.

So let's all try to get along,

we just don't have to fight.

At this rate our nice summer

will become a year long night.

It's not that we all must be friends,

but hatred hurts our souls.

If we don't make up by Christmas

At least we can heat with coals.

True, we've all been too bad this year,

and spring will never come

if we don't get our butts in gear

and stop being so dumb.

Mother nature said "I'm done!"

and winter's staying strong.

So dig back out your salt and plows ...

or try to get along.

This would be more like it.