ozma914 | Entries tagged with humor

I don’t talk much about politics, but just to show I’ve always paid attention, I uncovered this piece from way back in 2012. I think you’ll find me on the cutting edge of activism:

News has come that New York City Mayor Bloomberg wants to ban supersized sugary drinks, as a way to combat malnutrition.

He also signed a proclamation for NYC Donut Day.

Sometimes it just writes itself.

(Oh, another note of irony: I brought up several internet articles to familiarize myself with the Bloomberg Big Belly Ban, and the very first one was preceded by one of those annoying internet ads – for Ben and Jerry’s ice cream.)

The BBBB would apply to any bottled soda or fountain drink over 16 ounces that contains more than 25 calories per eight ounces, which is pretty much all of them. They’d be outlawed at restaurants, sports venues, street vendors, and – brace yourselves – movie theaters. Gasp! Next they’ll be taking my large buttered popcorn.

But those goobers won’t get it without a fight.

No word on whether the 17 ounce Big Gulp will be available in government offices, but grocery stores and convenience stores would be exempt. Apparently large soft drinks sold there are not dangerous.

The good news is, banning things that are bad for us is always effective, and always, always works. Just ask the people who pushed Prohibition.

Well, they can have my Slurpee when they pry it from my cold, sticky hands.

If they criminalize supersized Cokes, only criminals will be truly refreshed.

Family reunions are a great place to exercise my right to choose.

When Bloomberg came for cigarettes, nobody spoke (because they were busy coughing). When he came for trans fats, nobody stood up (because they were too heavy to get to their feet). Now they come for sugary drinks, and who will stand up for Mr. Pibbs? Has the medical field even debated this? Did anyone ask Dr. Pepper?

Give me Mountain Dew, or give me death! And not Diet Mountain Dew, either. It tastes like artificially sweetened sheep dip.

The Founding Fathers would be horrified. The whole reason they settled in the New World is because the British wouldn’t let us sweeten our tea.

“One lump or two?”

“How dare they alter our national beverage? Off with their heads!”

Then we formed an independent country, so we could have southern style sweet tea. Thomas Jefferson wrote that right into the Declaration of Independence, along with a clause about fried chicken and gravy. Both were removed by a rather grumpy New York delegate named Samuel Chase, whose wife had just put him on a diet.

Say, do you suppose that’s it? Maybe Bloomberg’s just steamed because his wife has him eating fish and asparagus.

The Founding Fathers really would be horrified, as this kind of nanny state thinking is exactly what the Constitution was meant to prevent. It demonstrates that their written guide for the country is more relevant now than ever, despite the food stains.

Rumor has it the Founding Fathers fueled their revolutionary ardor with God’s snack: S’Mores.

Benjamin Franklin would be especially upset, as he’s been known to upturn an extra-large mug of mead himself, from time to time. Franklin, who famously said wine is proof that God loves us, and wants to see us happy, would have loved one of those fountain drinks that you need to haul around in a cart. Ben Franklin would have punched Bloomberg right in the nose. Well, maybe not … Ben would probably have slept with Bloomberg’s wife. He was into all sorts of excesses.

I’m not so sure about Thomas Jefferson’s reaction. He believed in personal freedoms (unless you were one of his slaves), but also had a huge vegetable garden that he took great pride in. He grew over 250 varieties of more than 70 different vegetable species, in a garden 1,000 feet long. His children hated him.

Once, Jefferson sent John Adams a sampling of twenty different types of lettuce. Adams wrote back: “Tom, would you relax and have a friggin’ donut? I’ll bet you can’t find twenty different varieties of donuts.” (This was before Krispy Kreme.)

Still, they would have agreed that no mayor of York, old or new, had the right to come over and tell them how many lumps they could put in their tea. Should you stop drinking huge sugary drinks? Of course. Should we bow to a government telling us we have to? Hell, no.

We can’t have true freedom without independence. A nanny state, by definition, is a lack of independence. I may disapprove of what you eat, but I will defend to the early death your right to pork rinds.

Yes, there have to be some limits in an orderly society, but we must draw a jittery line in the sand, with one of those big soda straws. Our voices, strengthened by a sugar rush, should shout out that we can be convinced to be healthier, but not be force fed. And, to paraphrase Franklin Delano Roosevelt, we would rather die on our Frostie than live on our salads.

Now. If you’ll excuse me, it’s time for a little non-violent protest. Supersize me.

Is this a great country, or what?

Find a snack you can eat while web surfing, so you can find us here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Current Mood: hungry
Current Location: Dairy Queen

Tags:

Note: If you like happy endings ... you might not want to read to the end of this post.

In a previous blog I detailed my failed attempt to sell a novel to the romance industry's biggest book publisher. The synopsis: They liked my query, asked for the entire manuscript, then disappeared into a publishing black hole from which even emails couldn't escape.

I wish all my snynopsis were that easy. Snynopsis's? Synopsi?

I submitted to a specific line of books within the publisher, but that line's requirements have changed so much my story would no longer be a fit for them, anyway. So, I was free to submit Fire On Mist Creek to a different publisher.

Or to a different line within the same publisher.

No, I'm not insane, hear me out. First, here's the blurb I wrote for the story:

Thanks to insomnia, volunteer firefighter Alice Delaney is Night Watch for the little town of Mist Creek, Kentucky—the entire Night Watch, unless you count the firehouse dog. That’s a break for former Chicago firefighter Reed Carter, who she finds in a broken-down pickup truck near town. Soon after that he returns the favor, by helping her rescue the occupant of a burning house.

Both are on the run from their respective demons, but Reed may have found his salvation in the form of a little town in crisis, and a woman dealing with loss. Alice isn’t so sure: Newly promoted to Mist Creek Fire Captain, she’s dealing with a financial crunch and an arsonist. She’s not ready for a relationship with an action junkie who could be taken away from her. Not again.

I had to research firefighting, of course.

It's a work of staggering genius. Not the book, the blurb: I boiled that down from 60,000 words! Blurbs and synopsi ... sss, are the bane of book writers.

On a related note, the novel was 60,000 words. The Big Publisher had another line that would be absolutely perfect for this book, assuming they didn't change the line's requirements before I got it to them. There was only one small glitch: That line wants stories in the 70,000 word range. Maybe not exactly, but a 10,000 word difference is a deal killer.

Now, there are other publishers I could submit Fire On Mist Creek to. Still, I wanted to work with this publisher, I said stubbornly, in a rather whiny voice. But add 10,000 words to a story I thought was finished?

I found my answer in another dumb thing I did, which is where I find many of my answers. During the almost five years waiting to hear back after they requested my manuscript, I wrote other books. I wasn't just pacing in the back yard. Imagine all the dead grass.

Hundreds of books! Thousands of books! Okay, eleven.

Two of those books are set in that same small town, Mist Creek. Okay, one starts out elsewhere and ends up in Mist Creek. The point is, if I couldn't find a publisher that's interested in all the books, I may have wasted a lot of writing time.

But in my haste, I found the answer to my length problem. Many characters from Fire on Mist Creek show up in the other two novels, but a lot of characters from those two books didn't even exist when I wrote the first one.

And that's when I felt a great swell of inspiration, or maybe more stupidity.

If it's going to be a series, more of the people from the other books should be introduced in the first. In fact, it would be easy, because some of those later people are involved Mist Creek's emergency services. They'd naturally be around each other, anyway. In the other two books there's only one other new arrival; the other characters are already town residents.

Since the story is set before the others, I could put them in without having to refer to the other two books and confuse everyone. Sure, I'm confused, but if I could straighten myself out everyone else will be fine. Even as I mused over the idea, new scenes came to me that would enrich the story and also play into the main plot.

(Update, because I didn't post this right away: So that's what I did. The rewrite is finished, and the new story sent!)*

I have an office, and I'm ready to write! Once I find my laptop.

I told you it's genius. It's such a great idea, I'm pretty sure aliens showed up one night and inserted it into my, um, body. That would explain the tiny piece of metal in my chest. Even if I end up with another publisher, the book will be better. Hold my beer, I'm writing!

(Okay, I don't drink beer, but leave my tea alone--it's still hot, just like my typing fingers.)

*Okay, here's the bad news. All this was in the past: I submitted the book to Harlequin Heartwarming on April 6. The Publisher Who I Just Named, aware of how long they strung me along last time, sent me on a response on May 16, a blistering speed for a traditional publisher.

It was a form rejection. So, we move on.

You can find the books that did somehow make it to publication here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, writers need all the support they can get.

Tags:

Is it just me, or has Mother Nature been, this year ... grouchy?

Surly? Cross? Cantankerous?

Yeah, I thought so, too. Maybe we brought it on ourselves, the way everyone has been storming at each other. That makes this a perfect time for a ... song.

Hey, we all need a peaceful moment. It's been a particularly awful weather year; for some more than others, but mostly for everyone. The other day I had to stop picking up wind-blown branches because of frostbite. (I shut off our furnace exactly two days before the--wait for it--polar vortex reached us.)

It's not a great song, but I'm not a great song writer. I heard the music in my head while writing the words (It has a country vibe). But I can't play it for you because I can't write music, and it probably won't work as well as a poem. Maybe it's for the best, though, because I'm also not a great music writer. Or ... any music writer. What the heck, I'll throw in a few photos from the storm outbreak, too. Once it got cold, my hands wouldn't stop shaking enough to get a good picture.

See those little black spots in the sky? Birds. Really dumb vultures, I think, battling a headwind.

I should hold a contest: If I sell fifty books by the end of June, I'll post a video of me singing this. But that might lead to negative sales. "For Heaven's sake, don't sing! I'm sending your books back to you."

I call it: Springing Out of Springdom.

(I'm not a great title writer, either.)

I like to ride in the countryside
just to take in spring.
The flower blossoms, birds at play
and all the greening things.

But this year I've come to realize
something that's made me sad.
We won't get a spring this year
'cause we've all been too bad.

Yeah, we've all been too bad this year,
we just can't get along.
We fight and fuss and disagree
Even as the days get long.

Mother Nature said "Screw you!"
"I'll just evaporate."
So winter just won't end this year;
she left us to our fate.

So now the temp's below average
just like all our moods.
Plants are brown and grass is dead,
let's face it--we're all screwed.

Our tulips won't come up this year,
They're underneath a drift.
The robins are hitchhiking south,
their frozen wings won't lift.

Yes, we've all been too bad this year,
we don't deserve the spring.
Mosquitoes can't come out in this,
it's frostbite that'll sting.

Mother Nature said "Stuff it!"
and left us all to freeze.
so winter just won't end this year,
no flowers, birds, or bees.

So let's all try to get along,
we just don't have to fight.
At this rate our nice summer
will become a year long night.

It's not that we all must be friends,
but hatred hurts our souls.
If we don't make up by Christmas
At least we can heat with coals.

True, we've all been too bad this year,
and spring will never come
if we don't get our butts in gear
and stop being so dumb.

Mother nature said "I'm done!"
and winter's staying strong.
So dig back out your salt and plows ...
or try to get along.

As long as the internet hasn't blown away, we can be found all over:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Books can be taken with you into a storm shelter.

Current Mood: cold
Current Location: the basement
Current Music: Twister theme

Tags:

I wrote this several years ago, so no, don't go looking for Fred.

Some of you may have seen a shoe perched majestically at the top of the hill in my front yard. If not, I’m enclosing a picture as an introduction. We named it Fred. Say hello to the people, Fred.

(He can't speak, even though he has a tongue.)

Yes, I know what you’re thinking. “You named a shoe?” Well, why not? We always name the strays that end up hanging around our house. Last fall we named the mice that set up housekeeping there, even as I tracked them down and did a Dirty Harry on their rodent rears.

One day I got home and Fred was simply – there. I live on a main street, and lots of young people (read: litterers) go by, so a certain amount of trash is expected. My neighbors have been doing renovations, and whenever a stiff wind pops up some of their waiting to be disposed of debris will take up shop around my house. Just a few days ago I found the remains of a light bulb scattered across my porch. Who knows about that? Maybe somebody had an earth-shattering idea.

But a shoe?

I have a theory about how that shoe could have gotten blown into my yard.

That’s not an object easily blown around, especially to land at the top of an embankment. No, it had to have been thrown there. If so, it was an exceptionally artistic throw, as the shoe landed upright, proudly showing to passers-by that it was high-strung.

I’m generally annoyed at litter, but in this case I confess to being rather bemused. So bemused, in fact, that I left the footwear there, wondering if the owner might show up to claim it. Maybe it was tossed there by some clownish “friend” who thought it would be funny to see his buddy stumping around in one shoe. What a heel.

But no one claimed the poor little orphan, so I felt I had to name him, and picked Fred out of thin air. How do I know it’s a male shoe? How many girls do you know who would throw away a perfectly good shoe? I rest my case.

Some girls even pick shoes right off of dead people.

Later I told my daughter that Fred could stay until lawn mowing time, and she informed me in turn that I could simply mow around it. How, she asked, could I just boot Fred? I thought she was going to sock me. (Get it?) Her passion left me tongue-tied. (Get that one?) I appreciated her sole-searching, but couldn’t build Fred his own closet -- not on my shoestring budget. (Okay, that’s enough.)

For now, Fred stays. Maybe his other half will show up, and they’ll get off on the right foot with some other owner. Hm. Come to think of it, I wonder if they’re elevens?

Oh! I just made this connection. Brought to you by: Fred Toenges Footwear.*

Pay for my future footwear here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

*Not really, but if they want to talk about a sponsorship ....

Oh, did you make it to the bottom? Then you get first look:

Tags:

We got a new radio system in our dispatch center, and the guy training us on it claimed we could use it at home, on a laptop.

This is a great idea in theory: It would save me gas, and clothes would be cheaper if all I had to buy was pajamas. Of course, video 911 is coming, and callers might not be comfortable with my Star Trek onesie.

Actually, callers might not like seeing me no matter what clothes I'm wearing.

"You got what stuck WHERE?"

This is my thirtieth year celebrating Public Safety Telecommunications Week, which is in April between the snow storms, brush fires, and tornadoes. Since the title's so long, I started calling it PSTW, which is kind of ironic because PSTW sounds a lot like PTSD. Everyone who's dispatched longer than seven years gets to know both. It's science.

Here's the strange thing: I'm burned out on this job. Once too often I've picked up the 911 line only to hear hysterical screaming. Once too often I was the last person someone ever talked to. Once too often the name of a victim or suspect ended up being someone I knew.

Yet it's still the best full time job I ever had.

I actually do wear a cape, but only at home when no one is watching. But yay, cookie! Better keep it away from the dog.

Maybe it's because we're actually doing something important. That's a weird thing to define when it comes to jobs, because the best paying ones often are the least important. When a family member is having a heart attack, you don't call your favorite sportsball player for an ambulance. For that matter, when your water pipe bursts you don't look up the number for Beyonce, or Reba McEntire. (Actually, Reba could probably help.)

But that's the way it goes, and at least I've never been stalked by a 911 groupie.

I know the artist!

If you've considered being a dispatcher, I'd encourage it. It's way more important than being a security guard at the Oscars. Also, you have to be bad at it to lose your job--the demand for dispatchers just continues to go up.

Still, it can be just a bit stressful. When I'm talking to new people, I like to give them a few tips they don't get in formal training:

No matter what the caller says when you pick up the line, never reply with "You gotta be kidding me."

Always know if you have a live mic. Always.

Try to avoid cursing in dispatch--see above about live mics.

Well ... at least try not to curse too much.

If you have to scream in the bathroom, turn the water on first.

Yes, you are a first responder. When 911 rings, you're the first to respond to whatever the problem is. All the others have the advantage of knowing that problem, because you find out.

Hold your temper if your 911 caller starts with, "This isn't actually an emergency ..." Deal with it if the business line rings and it is an emergency. So it goes.

If you have to bang your head against a wall, choose a different place each time, to avoid damage to the concrete.

And finally: If the melatonin gives you nightmares, try sleepytime tea. Sleep is precious.

On a related note, that idea of dispatching on a laptop from home? No. I already have dreams in which I come downstairs and find the dispatch center has been moved to my living room, and I'm the only dispatcher. Besides, I like my Star Trek onesie, and Star Wars pajama bottoms just wouldn't be the same.

Buy some books, just in case of an emergency:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

The odds of having to dial 911 are much lower when you're home reading.

Tags:

911,
dispatchers,
dispatching,
emergency services,
humor,
humor writing,
national emergency telecommunicators wee

We're close to the anniversary of one of the most famous disasters in American history. No, I’m not talking about the birth of Kanye West. I’m speaking of the Great San Francisco Earthquake and Fire, which struck at 5:13 a.m. on April 18, 1906.

Which was way too early to be waked up that way, or any way.

We seem to be in the age of disasters, so it might be worth remembering that bad things have been happening to good people for a long time, not just since the Kardashians went on the air. One thing that remains the same is human nature: No one wants to think about disasters until they happen, and then their primary mission is to avoid responsibility. This is followed by a building period of forgetfulness, and then the cycle begins anew.

"Gesundheit."

Just as the Great Chicago Fire was accompanied by forest fires that killed thousands in the Midwest, and Hurricane Katrina devastated areas far from New Orleans, the 1906 quake shook up much more than San Francisco. In fact, it was felt from Oregon to Los Angeles, and as far east as Nevada. Two minor earthquakes even hit Las Angeles at about noon that day, probably caused by the earlier shaking. A line of trees two hundred feet wide were smashed along the fault line; small towns along the way were flattened, and any building actually built on the fault found itself at fault.

At least 3,000 people died, and a half million dollars in damage resulted – 1906 dollars. It was … well, it was a disaster.

Many people don’t know that most of San Francisco was not flattened by the earthquake; it was destroyed by the fire that followed.

A rattled homeowner, glad to be alive, got hungry after the earthquake and decided to cook up some ham and eggs, without bothering to check on whether their home’s chimney had been damaged. The resulting blaze, called the “Ham and Egg” fire (naturally), later joined up with other fires to destroy most of the city. Whether that resident actually got to eat the ham and eggs wasn’t reported.

"Pass the orange juice."

So, where the heck was the fire department?

Well, Station #4 wasn’t there anymore: A hotel collapsed on it. The Chief of the San Francisco Fire Department, Dennis T. Sullivan, threw himself out of bed and dashed through the door of his quarters, which was located at the top of another firehouse on Bush Street. (No relation to G.W.)

Unfortunately, the dome of a theater next door had just brought down the rest of the Chief’s fire station, and he dashed into mid-air. He died later that week, leaving the SFFD without its leader.

But Chief Sullivan had built a good department, and the men and equipment still standing dashed into action. Sullivan had recommended the building of a special water system, which could provide water from San Francisco Bay in case an earthquake sheared through regular water mains.

Unfortunately, the City Council refused to fund the system. The regular mains were, indeed, shattered, leaving most of the city dry. U.S. Navy personnel, always ready to help, laid a long fire hose from the bay and put it into action. But the tactics of operating a fire hose aren’t as easy as they appear, and the hapless sailors were outmaneuvered by the flames. They had to retreat, leaving the hose behind.

Steam fire engines generated almost as much smoke as the fires.

That morning a telegraph station in San Diego sent reports of the disaster to the ship “U.S.S. Chicago”, which immediately steamed for San Francisco. It was the first time a wireless transmission was ever used during a disaster. Later the fire alarm and telegraph offices in the city had to be abandoned to the approaching flames, making communications more difficult. It became impossible to coordinate firefighting efforts.

By that time word had gotten out, and Secretary of War Taft ordered all available relief supplies and military units to San Francisco. He later became president, so Taft must have done an okay job.

Less helpful individuals began looting the city, and the Mayor declared open season on such lowlifes. Several were shot; none were missed.

Eventually, with the assistance of volunteers, firefighters, military personnel, and demolition of buildings to create fire breaks, the blaze was controlled. It was time to take stock, and to determine what to do to prevent such a calamity in the future.

No need, according to Father Ricard of the University of Santa Clara, who wrote to a newspaper: “Never mind foreboders of evil: They do not know what they are talking about … those who venture out with predictions of future earthquakes when the main shock has taken place ought to be arrested as disturbers of the peace.”

In other words, don't worry – it won't happen again.

San Francisco City Hall has looked better.

What have we learned from this?

Well, be careful before running through doorways after an earthquake, of course. Good communications are vital. You can’t put out a fire without water. Shooting looters is worth a bullet. Courage alone doesn’t make up for a lack of training and preparation. Don’t cook breakfast until after you’ve started your brain up in the morning.

Finally, and most importantly: Hiding from reality doesn’t prevent anything except being prepared. If somebody tells you “It won’t happen here”, hit them. Preferably in the mouth, so they don’t keep spouting nonsense.

Because it could happen tomorrow.

Some of our books cover fires and disasters, and others are just escapism:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: In a disaster books might be the only entertainment left.

Tags:

Do you remember those memes from years back, when you put your name in and it gave silly answers to your life, future, who would rescue you in the zombie apocalypse, stuff like that?

No? Well, in social media time it was a century ago, so whatever. Anyway, I re-found this one recently: a purported list of outrageous facts about ... me. I generated it back about, oh ... well, it's not important how long ago, never mind.

About 100 people choke to death on Mark Hunter each year. (Hey, watch it with the dirty jokes.)

Mark Hunter can use only about ten percent of his brain! (Thinking hard is, like ... hard.)

Mark Hunter once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest. (So sue me, I own only so many pillows.)

The only planet that rotates on its side is Mark Hunter! (Maybe so, but at least I don't have a ring like Uranus.)

Mark Hunter can only be destroyed by intense heat, and is impermeable even to acid. (Thank goodness no one has thought to try heated acid.)

99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Mark Hunter. (That, or Uranus.)

During World War II, Americans tried to train Mark Hunter to drop bombs! (Then they found out about my notorious sense of direction.)

Long ago, the people of Nicaragua believed that if they threw Mark Hunter into a volcano it would stop erupting. (Obviously they never heard about the intense heat thing.)

Baskin Robbins once made Mark Hunter flavored ice cream! (It tasted like desperation and low self-esteem.)

Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of Mark Hunter in a day. (The only way to stop them is to rotate on my side.)

See, wasn't that fun? I tried another one to see where I was on the political spectrum, but ... that wasn't fun at all.

Another fun fact: Mark Hunter's beard is Velcro to cat fur.

The fact is, you can get our books and read more about us here:

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/
·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914
·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/
·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter
·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter
·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter
·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you read a book, you learn something new. Sometimes it's even something useful.

Current Mood: amused
Current Location: dispatch
Current Music: paperback writer

Tags:

Some time ago, I was ghosted by one of the biggest publishers in the business.

Or maybe not. What do I know?

I submitted a romantic comedy novel to a publisher that has a name similar to one of Batman's villains. There, that won't give it away.

Some people differ on how author-friendly the publisher is, but ever since I started writing romance, I've wanted to write for them. That would be sometime in the early 90s. Before that I was writing science fiction and action/adventure, which I still am, and there I'm still having the same publishing luck.

But by then I had a track record of published novels. I also had a great story with a good title, "Fire On Mist Creek". Or a good story with a great title. I think it's a great title. Is it? It doesn't matter, because Harl--the publisher usually changes the name before publication, anyway.

(And they'd also change my name to a more feminine one, which I don't have a problem with. Maxine Hunter? No? Okay.)

I sent off a query letter, an outline, and the first few chapters of the story in--wait for it--2018. ("Wait for it" is practically the theme of this story.)

Just two months later, which is five hours in publishing time, an editor wrote back and requested a full manuscript! This is a Big Deal. The average traditional publisher receives so many queries that if they aren't occasionally rejected by the dump truck load, they collapse the building.

Then I heard nothing.

For years.

"And this is when I stopped hearing from them."

I sent a "nudge" a year later, and another one two years after that. Nudges are when desperate writers, who at this point want ANY news, gently ask for such news while groveling as much as possible. After the second nudge, I finally got a reply.

They'd lost my manuscript.

So they asked for it again, in early 2021, and I was happy to oblige. A little over a year later, I sent another nudge. And another. I don't feel like going back to count, but I sent several.

I went back to count: It was four. No one wants to annoy an editor, but I started including other people from that particular line, assistant editors and such. By the time I gave up, I'd shotgunned about six different people in my pleas, which had turned from "Like me!" into "At least put me out of my misery!"

When a writer is waiting to hear back on a book submission, the best thing they can do is work on another book. This I did, but there was a thriller-level twist: As I plotted it out, I realized it could easily fit into the Mist Creek world I'd developed. I a huge fan of series. Serieses. Seriez? Serii? Anyway, my Storm Chaser series is a series. That's why I call it a series. So I wove this one into the Mist Creek community.

Then, the next year, my wintertime depression was hitting me pretty good, so I decided to cheer myself up by writing a Christmas romance. Set in Mist Creek. So I did.

So now, with the first book having not sold, I have a series. Most romance publishers love a good series, but they prefer to approve the books individually.

By then I learned something that Harl--the publisher had done that rendered the entire question a moo point.

Maybe it's moot. Anyway, they had changed the requirements for that particular line. Not only did my manuscript no longer fit the description of what they wanted, but it was now 10,000 words too short. They were now also no longer accepting unagented submissions, which is what mine was.

So, I sent them--all of them--an email withdrawing my manuscript. It had been five years.

Was I ghosted? Was it some horrible mishap in which they changed their email provider and mine all got lost in the shuffle? Was it me being male, instead of female? Did I accidentally send my correspondence to a publisher in another dimension, and we'd gone out of phase?

Beats me, and boy, did I feel beaten. But, giving the benefit of the doubt, my withdrawal email was nice and polite, as I tried to keep all my emails. It pays to be nice, and maybe someday they'll answer it.

Besides ... they have other lines open for submission.

You can read our books, romantic or not, here:

·        Amazon:  https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
·        Barnes & Noble:  https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"
·        Goodreads:  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter
·        Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/
·        Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/
·        Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/
·        Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914
·        Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/
·        Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter
·        Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter
·        Substack:  https://substack.com/@markrhunter
·        Tumblr:  https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914
·        Smashwords:  https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914
·        Audible:  https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember, every time you buy a book from a local author, Big Publishing quakes in its leather-bound boots.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Paperback Writere

Tags:

By now you're all sick of 2025 being as bad as 2024, and maybe you're thinking of just cancelling the rest of the 2020s. Low ratings, right? They cancelled Firefly.

But my wife and I are of defiant stock, and we accepted an invitation to go out for a fun-filled Robert Burns Night. I don't generally like driving at night, because that's when the depressed deer come out to throw themselves in front of cars, with the final cry of "I can't take another winter outdoors!"

Still, Robert Burns Night is like Christmas in Scotland, and according to the DNA test I'm 29% Scottish. (And 2% Cameroon, which is in Africa but sounds Scottish.) Burns is Scotland's National Poet, and I'm all for celebrating writers.

You've probably heard, at least once every year, one song Burns had a hand in: Auld Lang Syne. My personal favorite of his is his poem, "To a Louse".

So we made toasts, piped in the haggis, and of course ate neeps and tatties, which I hope aren't related to haggis. It wasn't completely Scottish, because we didn't drink alcohol, and the haggis was meatloaf. Haggis is illegal in the United States due to its sheep lungs, which is actually the least objectionable ingredient.

We celebrated late into the night (okay, for two hours), got to see our old doggie friend Watson and visit with his Scottish humans, and on the way home hit a deer.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Q13iEaHkqc

If you look carefully, you can see her little white tail bounding away to the right, without a care in the world outside of a sore rump.

Stupid deer.

And that's why I'm in so much pain as I write this. Not because of a lack of haggis, but because by the point of impact I'd slowed from 60 mph to 30, from standing on the brake while simultaneously pulling back on the steering wheel as hard as I could with both hands, while two of my most important body openings slammed shut and Emily yelled "Ghdeiirreee!"

Well, that's what it sounded like to me.

It's basically the same reaction I have whenever the dentist fires up that little drill, and all my stressed muscles hurt after that, too.

I've always loved the acceleration on our Ford Escape, and now I also admire its brakes.

The steering wheel is no longer perfectly round, and there are some marks in the dash that resemble Emily's fingers, but otherwise we came out okay. The only impact damage to the car was a cracked piece of plastic on the front grill, and some deer hair left behind.

We didn't even have to clean the seats, thanks to the aforementioned puckering effect.

This is only the second deer I've ever hit, despite some extremely close calls, so it could have been worse. Emily wanted to track the deer down and bring it home as steaks, but I talked her out of it. It was probably just some teenage deer on a dare, anyway.

I'm fairly sure Robert Burns was in no way involved, unless the deer were also having a Burns Night and went all in with the whiskey (and haggis).

"Now, Bambi, I think you've had enough."

"No, seriously, hold my whiskey and watch me scare this driver!"

Anyway, I'm now composing a poem about how great our car is, based on one of Burns' poems:

"My love is like a ruby red rose."

Because the Escape is ruby red, you see. Okay, I'll workshop it. Maybe it can come out in 2030.

You can read our books here:

· Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads:

https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog:

https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website:

http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook:

https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin:

https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter:

https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube:

https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack:

https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr:

https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible:

https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Deer can’t read, and have to live outside. Coincidence?

Tags:

I planned to work on a new blog during my colonoscopy prep day, but the day went, shall we say, badly. Okay, it went very badly, although the procedure the next day was a breeze (they tell me). One small polyp removed, and I only made one bad joke. ("If you find any change in there, it's mine--not a tip.")

Anyway, it seemed the most appropriate thing to do would be to reprint a blog from a little over five years ago--which was about my last colonoscopy. I'm adding one new photo, which I took this morning: The IV for the anesthetic left a mark.

I don't mind the bruise one bit, because that needle allowed me to sleep through the whole procedure.

Routine medical tests often bring nasty surprises ... not always related to the test being done.

I had a colonoscopy last week. You know what that means: No need to go into details. Honestly, I don't feel bad for people getting them as much as I do for people who do them.

Lots of twelve year olds probably say they want to be a doctor when they grow up. I can't imagine any of them adding, "And I want to spend all day sticking tubes up butts to check for polyps!"

For patients, the fun stuff comes a day or two before, when they first go on a clear diet, then on meds that, um, clear that diet. But there's more to it, and therein lies this tale. It's about the only thing that stayed therein.

A week before I had to stop taking supplements, including vitamin D (a lack of which contributed to my wintertime depression). Also aspirin, or any kind of nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug, which I never knew is what NSAID is short for.

Soon after that I developed a sinus headache, which I didn't worry about because if I have a sinus headache, it must be Tuesday. By the end of the next day someone was driving a railroad spike through the top of my skull, from the inside. It was every bit as bad as a migraine.

But what caused it? Sinuses? Stress? Lack of vitamin D? Withdrawal from caffeine? The thought of highly trained specialists bringing in the same machine used to open up my sewer?

Then, just before the procedure, a strange thing happened.

One of the techs took my blood pressure, paused, then took it again. Then she called the doctor in. He took it, then he put the BP cuff on my other arm and took it again. Then they all looked at each other.

There's no typical blood pressure for everyone, but it's generally acknowledged that the bottom number--the diastolic--should be in the double digits, like around 70. My diastolic was in the triple digits. And not just barely, either. The first number, systolic, was also reaching for the stars.

There's your headache.

This is what the inside of my head felt like.

My blood pressure was so high, in fact, that they almost canceled the procedure. And I did not want to go through the prep again.

When I woke, the new problem hadn't changed. The next day Doctor Donna sat in the waiting room, waiting for me. "We were wondering how soon this would happen," she said (I'd been her patient for many years). She refused to tell me who won the betting pool, but she did confirm the diagnosis. She also gave me a good once over, and found it hurt whenever she tapped on the areas near my nose.

I had high blood pressure and another massive sinus infection.

Doctor Donna told me to reduce my stress levels. A lot. I thought about my job and laughed. Then I laughed again. Then I cried. It seems my idea to retire, and support myself by writing full time, had become a matter of life and death. But what the heck--I'm always looking for ways to guilt readers into buying books. Meanwhile I'm on two new meds, one of which makes me pee almost as much as I was doing the other thing, the day before the colonoscopy.

Oh, and the results of the actual procedure? Clean as a whistle (figuratively), with nary a polyp in sight. But if they hadn't done it, my head may have exploded a week later. It seems I'm entering a new phase of my mid-life.

I'll call it ... the Ailment Years.

You can find good books to read during prep here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Reading can help lower your blood pressure. No, it’s true.

Current Mood: groggy
Current Location: Parkview Noble Hospital
Current Music: Baby You Can Drive My Car

Tags:

The other day I was at Wal-Mart (wearing two layers of pajamas--brrrr), when I ran into a polar bear shopping for winter coats. "Shouldn't you be up north?" I asked.

"Nah, I'm tired of the cold. I'm heading to the Gulf Coast. Hopefully this Arctic air won't keep following me."

Then he took off south in his Tundra. I don't know what happened to him, but I have a feeling he's not happy.

Shall we talk about the weather? Everything west of the Rocky Mountains is burning, everything east is freezing. It's like a Rankin/Bass stop motion special about Hell.

The Heat Miser and Cold Miser battle over Las Vegas.

I told everyone: "Don't welcome 2025! Wait until you get to know it better!" Well, here it is, and now we know it just fine.

It can be argued that this is just a continuation of 2024, anyway. The Hawaii fires were last August. Hurricane Helene decided it wanted a mountain vacation back in September, so it headed for the Appalachian Mountains--and flattened them.

Sure, a lot of people up there are in tents and are running short of propane, but it's the South--at least it won't be too cold. Will it?

Getting really tired of the term "record breaking".

Here in northern Indiana we had, as the British might say, "a bit of a cool spell". The high temperature earlier in the week was 30 degrees lower than normal. At one point, the wind chill factor was minus 30 degrees. Fahrenheit. It made me a little nostalgic for the late 70s and 80s, when the phrase was "another weekend, another snowstorm".

Back then Time Magazine produced an article titled "Another Ice Age?" (From 1974. I was convinced I saw that title on the cover in 1977, but it didn't happen.) Global cooling was taken seriously by a lot of people, although even then others warned about global warming. Some of my favorite science fiction stories back then were about efforts to survive the oncoming glaciers.

As for me, I was deliriously happy when I found out the globe was warming instead of cooling. Then I read a science journal article predicting a few areas of the planet might actually get cooler, even as the rest warmed up.

And guess what winter-hating blogger lives in one of those areas?

But there's a difference between climate and weather, and right now the Cold Miser has told the Heat Miser to "hold my pina colada, and watch this". As awful as our Indiana weather has been, this is a mild spot in the country.

A blizzard warning on the Gulf Coast of Texas and Louisiana. A blizzard warning. Snow working its way up the southern states. A snowstorm in New Orleans.

New Orleans! The place looks like North Dakota.

Imagine if they had their Mardi Gras now. All those poor guys with thousands of beads, and they can't get the inebriated ladies to show anything. Have you ever had a frostbit nipple? Okay, neither have I, but I have had frostbitten fingers, toes, ears, and cheeks (on my face, mind you), and I can imagine.

(I wonder what kind of drink a frostbit nipple would be?)

"I don't feel jazzed at all."

Instead, the guys would yell, "Show us your flannel!"

And the women would unzip their coats, unbutton their quilted shirts, and show their flannel. Why? Because if they can get enough beads, it's another layer of insulation.

So the disasters keep coming, so fast one is still going on when the next one strikes. If you want to keep track, hope the Weather Channel shows a split screen. Or, you could invest in a few more TVs and have each playing a different channel. That may seem extreme, but I have friends in all the disaster areas, not to mention I've always been a weather nerd, anyway.

Still, I wouldn't mind a break from the weather. I'll bet I'm not the only one.

Get our storm and non-storm related books here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Books make a good wind break.

Current Mood: cold

Tags:

The ortho doctor gave me a shot for Dupuytren's Contracture, which isn't nearly as bad a thing as it sounds. The shot was to inject cortisone through Arthrocentesis.

I could make that sound like I was on death's doorstep with those words, couldn't I? "Buy my books--they'll be worth more in a few weeks!" I'm totally capable of pulling heartstrings for sales.

But no, it's just an accumulation of thick tissue on the palm of my left hand, which can eventually get worse. He just gave me the shot for pain and to lesson the swelling. And where did he give me the shot?

In the PALM OF MY HAND.

I jumped so high my nose print is now in the ceiling. I used every curse word I knew, and invented a few more on my way down. You can ask Emily, she was there.

And now it feels fine. But it gave me a story to tell.

Buy my books, anyway.

It's the surface of Mars--with a new meteor crater in the middle!

All the books written in my own hand can be found here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Okay, all the books typed ... but you get the idea.

Tags:

During the last national election (in the otherwise cursed year of 2024), Tippecanoe County, Indiana received a number of write-in ballots for the office of President. I've always thought of write-ins as being the sign of a healthy, free country, where citizens can voice their displeasure with the two main party candidates.

But sometimes, not so much.

In addition to the write-ins, one ballot was held back as provisional because the voter dropped it off on election night--at a Colorado polling place. Half the people of Colorado probably don't even know where Indiana is, let alone Tippecanoe County, and vice-versa.

As far as write-in votes, the biggest vote-getter was Jill Stein, who was running as the Green Party nominee. I don't know what their platform is, but I like the color.

39 voters chose the candidates for the Party of Socialism and Liberation. I guess their goals are pretty much right there in the title: They believe revolution is necessary to establish socialism. In my study of history I've noticed most socialist revolutions lead to a few people being in charge, and a lot of other people being dead.

Cornel West and Melina Abdullah also snagged a few votes. No, I don't know either, let me check ...

Oh--activists! Also socialists, and although that's not my thing, I have to admire Cornel West's awesome and intimidating hairstyle.

U.S. Rep. Thomas Massie, a Republican from Kentucky, got two votes, but I hear he's way more popular in Kentucky. He got the same amount of votes as Kanye West, who I hear is not as popular in Kentucky.

Jesus got 6 votes, and God got 3. Honestly, it seems like those should be combined.

So, who else got write-in votes?

Mike Rowe, he of "Dirty Jobs", one of the few people in the entertainment industry I'd actually vote for. Also one of the few who has an actual idea of what the average Joe does for a living.

Johnny Cash, who I'd probably also vote for except he's kind of, well ... dead. Not that I'd trying to discriminate against dead people, mind you. Lots of dead people vote every election.

Former President John Quincy Adams, by all accounts a man of principle, but sadly also dead. For awhile, now. He would be eligible, though, as he was a one term President, and I'm not sure there's anything in the Constitution forbidding dead candidates. Some people in Congress look awfully dead.

John Quincy--who wouldn't love those sideburns?

Singer Willie Nelson. I can't help thinking he'd have a "legalize marijuana" plank in his platform. If not a plank, at least a joint.

Alfred E. Neuman, the "What--me worry?" mascot of MAD Magazine, which doesn't have the circulation it once did. He may be a little too laid back.

Michael Vick, sportsball star who also ran a dog fighting ring that got him put in prison. Lots of politicians have gotten away with worse stuff than that, but as a dog lover I kind wish he was still behind bars. Which ... also isn't necessarily fatal to a political career.

Kermit the Frog. Yeah, I'd totally vote for him. I mean, he kept the Muppet Show more or less under control, and as First Lady Miss Piggy would also serve as butt-kicker in chief.

And finally, the one I'm really surprised didn't get more votes:

"They All Suck."

Get our generally non-political books here:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

· Audible: https://www.audible.com/search?searchAuthor=Mark+R.+Hunter&ref_pageloadid=4C1TS2KZGoOjloaJ&pf

Remember: Vote for the guy with the most books.

Tags:

I don't do resolutions, because failing is a terrible way to start a new year.

If you make a major life change, do it gradually. A New Year's Resolution is like someone who never exercised deciding to run a marathon--tomorrow. Get healthy? Absolutely. Go cold turkey from cigarettes and snack food on January 2nd? That's why violent incidents go up on January 3rd.

Having said that, for some people stopping all at once is the only way to accomplish it, and I'm all for accomplishing something. So if you want to make a serious resolution, more power to you. Just remember, the proper response to nicotine withdrawal is not second degree murder. Not even third degree.

Well, maybe third.

For me, the best time to make life changes is spring. Why? Because in spring, I care about life. In January, I only want to turn the oven on low, wrap myself in a blanket, and climb inside. It's the only place I can get warm. I really don't care what happens elsewhere, and I wouldn't go out at all if I didn't need money to pay the gas bill. If I did make a New Year's Resolution, it would be to fill up the Ford's fuel tank and Escape south until I drive into salt water.

I have the wife, a full tank, and my Bermuda shorts, and I'm ready to head south.

But spring ... I could do spring. Things are looking up. Green stuff starts appearing. There's sun, except during basketball playoffs, when for some reason there's always ice.

What's up with that? Why is Hoosier Hysteria always accompanied by "Midwest ice storm--film at eleven"?

Sometimes there's an April sleet storm, but generally things are looking up. Sometimes the snow pile at the end of the WalMart parking lot even melts away by Independence Day. I'll walk out the door on March 21st and say, "Now I want to lose weight and give up Mountain Dew! I'll start tomorrow."

Now we're talkin'.

I gave up drinking after my 21st birthday party, which they tell me was a blast. I never did smoke: With my addictive personality, if I started they'd have to bury me with both hands clutching packs of ... I don't know, what brands of cigarettes are they still selling these days? I can't imagine walking a mile for a Camel.

Maybe that's the thing about the New Year: I never got addicted to making resolutions. But hey--there's time for me yet.

The only real resolution I have for this year--which I sincerely hope is better than last year--is to keep on writing. My plan for 2025 is to publish two new books (at least--we'll see) and write at least one other new one. That, and continuing the submission process for some already-written manuscripts, should be enough to keep me out of trouble.

Oh--and book promotion. *sigh*

We and our books can be found ... everywhere:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Remember: The easiest resolution is to read more books.

Tags:

It occurs to me that time is running out to convince you to buy our books for Christmas. Okay, time actually has run out, depending on how you take delivery, but there are New Year’s presents, of course. It’s traditional in many parts of the world to read a book New Year’s morning while nursing your hangover.

*I use this photo a lot because it’s handy to remind me about that one book I always forget when listing them.*

Say, maybe I could sell more books by lying! After all, that’s what fiction is: Making up stories. Some people would say that’s what advertising is, too. Advertising is also short, so I’ll just give you a tasty sample, as if the books were made out of chocolate. (They aren’t—don’t try it.)

At the bottom of this blog, as always, are sites where you can find our books and/or find us. I use "us" in this case because without my wife/editor/cover designer/setup person/IT Department/butt kicker Emily, most of these books would have never seen the light of day.

Have you ever wished your history teacher stopped lecturing, and did a standup routine making fun of the subject, instead? That's Hoosier Hysterical. I've started taking notes for a sequel.

Imagine you attended a summer camp, and it turned out to be a series of disasters in which you and your friends must become heroes and save everyone. It's like getting a taste of what Harry Potter and his friends do over summer break, only funnier. That's The No-Campfire Girls.

I used to write a weekly humor column for some small town newspapers. Being paranoid, I wrote a bunch of columns in advance so I wouldn't miss a deadline. Not being paranoid enough, I didn't see it coming when the papers were bought out by a larger newspaper. They went in another, not funny, direction.

So all those unpublished columns ended up in a book. Later I collected some of the older published columns and put them in another book, so you can read Slightly Off the Mark and More Slightly Off the Mark without getting newsprint on your hands. And that saves soap.

My first published novel, Storm Chaser pairs a disaster photographer with an overprotective cop who just wants to get rid of her. In real life the whole thing would have led to arrests and protective orders, but this is romantic comedy land. Much to my surprise, it's now a series, including the short story collection Storm Squalls, a spin-off with the cop's sister, The No-Campfire Girls, and The Notorious Ian Grant, currently being prepared for republication. There is, of course, another sequel in the works.

As I said, in real life most romantic comedies would end in legal action of some sort. "She's stalking me!" "He's trying to destroy my world!" Coming Attractions involves an actual legal battle, to save a drive-in theater. I put the climactic scene in a courtroom right here in my home town, and although it's completely unrealistic, it's also a lot of fun.

Sadly, there are no (current) plans for a sequel, although just for fun I did once cross this world over with Storm Chaser in a Christmas short story.

Storm Chaser and Radio Red were originally released by the same traditional publisher. After that publisher was bought out, I got the rights back to the Storm Chaser stories. Radio Red doesn't get as much love because I don't have those rights back yet, and in my opinion they have the e-book price set too high for seven year old book by an unknown author. You're welcome to spend the $3.99, of course! And I had a lot of fun writing Radio Red, a romantic comedy pairing a small radio station owner with his new air personality.

But am I an unknown author, really? Well, according to official sources there are some 50,000 book authors traditionally published in the U.S. Including self-published works, about four million new books are published every year. So yes, unknown, just like everyone else. This is why I'm ~~begging~~ working for an audience.

Finally we have Images of America: Albion and Noble County and Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century or So With the Albion Fire Department. They were a lot of work, but well received by anyone who's read them. But both are local history books, which by nature are usually of interest only to local readers. My newest local history book, Haunted Noble County, Indiana, is with the publisher right now, but should come out late in 2025.

So that's it ... for now. But I have--brace yourself--no less than ten other books in various stages of production, from initial note taking to submitting completed manuscripts to publishers. Meanwhile here's a list of websites where you can peruse books, buy books, or just ponder my genius or lack thereof.

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Remember: Every time a book gets rung up, an author gets his wings.

Tags:

"If the Beast gave me a library like he gave to Belle, I'd marry him too." -- Aya Ling

So, my wife's bosses were going through storage units, and had to sort through all the books their daughter collected over the years. Some were damaged, but they offered to give Emily and me most of the rest. Their daughter, they said, read a lot.

Not long after, they filled our Ford Escape with so many books I was afraid it would bottom out on every hill on the way home. A few days later, they did it again. Then again.

Mountains of books! Forests of books! More books than you'd ever read in a lifetime!

Ahem. If you'll pardon me for quoting Beauty and the Beast. I may have cried a little. I also may have cried a little while we were carrying them all up the steps into the house, but enough about my back.

It was Emily who had to clean up the books because, as it happens, I'm allergic to both dust and mold. Never thought I'd be glad about that. But I forgot, and later when I was cleaning our former bedroom/new reading room (our own library!) I gave myself an allergy attack. Too bad--eight hours of sleeping off the Benadryl, when I could have been reading.

Freaking scads of books!

We're still sorting them, by author and genre. Authors like me, who don't stick to a genre, will be a problem. But many of them were novel series (love a good series), which helped. We unfolded a table and Emily got started while I was cooking and doing the dishes, which is completely understandable when you realize how much more organized her mind is than mine.

Really, the only member of the family who wasn't thrilled was the dog. (This all happened before Beowulf passed away.) When we first put up the table he liked to lay down under it, but as we unpacked more books that space became filled, too. Sometimes he just walked up to the table and looks sadly at his former doghouse.

"I am NOT amused. I can't even read."

A large percentage of the books are what's called high fantasy, which I take it are better enjoyed when you're high. Wait, let me check ...

Oh. Well, it means epic in scope, with forces threatening a world that is not our own. Game Of Thrones stuff, and didn't it take us a whole year to read through those massive tomes. The novel I wrote (and am currently trying to sell) is low fantasy: mostly set in the real world, with the addition of magical elements. Now we're talking about Harry Potter and the Giant Dump Truck of Money.

Many others are space opera, again similar to another novel in my submission process. Think Dune, the Lensman books, and of course Star Wars. (My Junior English teacher in high school was the daughter of E.E. Smith, who authored the Hugo-nominated Lensman series. Fun old-timey SF, and possibly an inspiration for the Green Lantern.)

There are also history books, mostly involving World War II, which made me squeal a little. Okay, a lot. There are mysteries, and both nonfiction and fiction books about horses, and encyclopedia yearbooks covering all the earlier years of my life and some before. We have our own library of books--something I always dreamed of.

I took this photo to document that someone decided to leave their shampoo behind, and buy a book instead. If you never leave your couch, you don't need shampoo.

It all made me a little sad.

Let's face it: even if I gave up writing and put all my spare time into reading, there's no way I'll ever get to all these books, plus the ones I already have, plus the ones on my reading list. We've still got books in boxes in the garage. I've got friends writing books that I want to read. It makes me want to retire to a rustic cabin in the woods and just become one with a comfortable chair.

Still, just having all those books up on shelves around us will cheer me up substantially, and better too many than not enough. With books, I may never go anywhere again--but I'll go everywhere.

That's a pretty good way to spend your time.

Remember: Every time you don't read a book, the author has an allergy attack. Keep authors healthy.

We and our books--I mean, the ones we wrote--can be found everywhere:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Tags:

(Writer's note: I had a whole opening written out relating to the election, but things went in the entirely opposite direction from what I'd predicted. Just the same, a bunch of people are unhappy and the whole decade has still sucked so far, so I'm reposting this blog from last year, because the sentiments are still the same.)

So ... we need a little Christmas.

I've always had this thing about putting up Christmas decorations, or in any way mentioning Christmas, before Thanksgiving. By "thing" I mean that seeing anything Christmas related before November would send me into a murderous rage. That's how I got banned from Wal-Mart one August.

Starting Christmas while people are going down with heat exhaustion cheapens the holiday, and makes it overstay its welcome. I was okay with putting outside lights up early, mind you--as long as they weren't turned on until Thanksgiving weekend.

So I asked my State and Federal representatives to open a new hunting season: Any lit (or inflated) Christmas decorations seen before Thanksgiving would be open season. Shoot to darken!

That's how I used to feel.

Not this year. This year I'm a happy little friggin' elf.

Why? Because 2023 has been crap. (And now 2024. For instance, a month after I wrote this my wife and I came down with COVID, which we carried into the next year.) In fact, it's been the crappiest of the 2020s, which has been the crappiest decade of the century. I know we're not that far in, but let's face it: A stream of horrible years doesn't make the most horrible less horrible. Someone get me that on a t-shirt.

Deaths, health scares, politics, extremists, the Kardashians are still around ... our dog died and our car broke down. That's a country song, man.

So, as the song goes: We need a little Christmas, today. Get started. Brighten up everything--make those electric meters spin. We need the color, the lights, the cheer, even the songs. Yes, I know Christmas is too commercial these days.

But so what? You don't have to be commercial. I mean, yeah, you should buy books to give out as Christmas presents, but otherwise don't worry about it: Just kick back and relax some between now and the 25th (of next month). Make the time. Watch a Christmas movie, curl up on the couch listening to Christmas music (ahem--while reading a good book, or one of mine). Do whatever it takes to bring down your stress level. There's no law against it. I know, because my Representatives wouldn't return my calls.

Merry Christmas! Party early, and keep those lights on after the holidays, right up until the Santa Mafia shows up to get you committed.

The Santas are just grumpy because they have to work through the holidays.

We and our books can be found ... everywhere:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Remember: Every time a book gets rung up, an author gets his wings.

Current Mood: tired

Tags:

I was very curious to know what the results would be from the upcoming US Presidential election, so I borrowed a car from a friend of mine and went to check it out.

When that baby hit 88 mph, I saw some serious stuff.

First of all, I was surprised to learn of the massive grass-roots write-in campaign that led to the election of "None of the above".

It perhaps comes as no surprised that after a tie vote in the Senate, Senate President Kamala Harris cast the deciding vote to deny the results, her reasoning being that None Of the Above is not a real person. That led to a surprising challenge from California, by a person who, in 2005, did indeed have their name changed legally from Karma Applebutter to None Of the Above.

None--if I can call them that--lost their case after it was discovered they were born to Swedish parents during an airplane trip from London to Dubai to protest climate change. For those of you who haven't read it, that made them Constitutionally unable to run for the highest office. The same held true for their VP candidate, Toker Guitarsolo, although they claimed to have at least been conceived during a northern California wine tasting event.

This left the election winner as the second biggest vote getter, which was another surprise because, it turns out, no one had actually checked to see who the second biggest vote getter was.

Vice President Harris again cast the deciding vote in the Senate, contending that, while having a tiger as a Vice President would be kind of cool and useful for dealing with dictatorships, Calvin and Hobbes technically are not real people.

This came as a great disappointment, and in the years since has generally been recognized as a great opportunity lost.

A movement to repeat the election collapsed when Donald Trump and Joe Biden announced they were leaving politics to become standup comedians. Their HBO special, "The Joe and Don Comedy Tour" broke viewership records and won three Emmy Awards.

In the end Kamala Harris was certified as winning the election by narrow margins in both the popular and electoral vote, after serving as temporary President until the recount was finished in early 2026. The last of the legal challenges was thrown out of the 9th Circuit Court just after Harris finished her second term in 2039. The attorneys pushing that lawsuit disappeared shortly thereafter.

"Oh, a sanity clause won't work here."

Harris' suspension of the Constitutional to allow her to serve longer is hardly surprising, considering the outbreak of the Second Civil War in 2029. The conflict, between one side that called itself the United States and another that called itself the United States, ended quickly when the side nicknamed "The Coast States" discovered that their opponents in "The Middle" did indeed have a lot more guns and ammunition. The US Military, busy in other countries, declared itself neutral.

Presidents Harris and Vance then held a productive meeting in which The Coast agreed to stop making reality TV shows. The Middle promised to keep sending food to the cities, whose populations had never been entirely clear on where most food came from.

The citizens of Chicago later tried to secede and join Canada, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Beiber refused, saying Chicago was "too mean".

So, there you have it. As I predicted last week, Kamala Harris will be declared the next President. Hold your noses and vote, people.

Remember, folks: Humor. Parody. Stuff like that. While I still believe Harris will be declared winner, I can't confirm or deny that I have a time machine.

We and our books can be found ... everywhere:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Remember: Lots of great books are NOT about politics.

Tags:

Yes, I'm going to tell you who will be named President on November Fifth, or possibly sometime in December.

In a minute.

I hate politics, and yet I follow politics closely. Why? For the same reason I used to pay close attention to where my dog did his business in the yard: The results could really screw up my day. Also, in both cases the results always seem to stink.

Every election the left gets lefter, the right gets righter, and the people in the middle question why we're giving so much power to a two-party system. It seems like the only people who want to start new political parties are even more extreme than the ones already there.

Then they wonder why everyone's so angry.

We should all be reminded of a song that might as well be about the present situation:

Clowns to the left of me
Jokers to the right
Here I am, stuck in the middle with you

Most of the little people are regular and overall decent folk doing the best they can. The worst problem they have is hypocrisy: The other guy is ALL bad, and our guy is ALL good. They refuse to except that their candidate isn't perfect, and that the other candidate may (gasp!) have some good points. The opposition isn't just wrong: They're demons who eat children and kick dogs, or possibly the other way around.

The truth is, once they've achieved a certain level in their political climb, both sides tend to turn into crooks working not for the people, but for their parties. All you have to do is look at laws they pass that don't apply to them, perks they get that no one else does, and the way the system is designed to make their reelection almost a done deal.

Term limits? "Sure, everyone else should be voted out, but not my guy!"

The increased hatred of career politicians is what brought us Donald Trump. Love him or hate him, but pay attention.

Me, I don't like either candidate, although most of my political beliefs lean right of center. Some in the middle, a few left. Since I don't like any of the Presidential or Vice Presidential candidates, it's a lot easier to think more in terms of policies and records. In that, there's suckage on both sides.

What am I looking for somebody in Washington to do? Show me how they will:

Seal our porous southern border and stop the flow of illegal immigrants and various bad guys, and get those who are already here out.

Make the process for legal immigration more streamlined and easier for the people who get in line.

Balance the budget and start doing something about the approaching firestorm otherwise known as Federal Debt.

On a related note, shrink the government (which could be accomplished by deleting every Federal function that directly conflicts with the Constitution. Remember that thing?)

Maintain a strong defense in the face of our new Cold War with the Chinese and other challenges, while also controlling waste and costs in the military, and boy did I just ask for the impossible. Nobody said it was easy.

Get tougher on crime ... including crime among politicians.

Find a way to make health care more affordable for everyone, without leaving the decisions in the hands of red tape bureaucrats in Washington.

There's more, and I may not have listed the more important ones, but you get the idea. I'm not looking for an argument, so don't bother: I'm just calling it as I see it. And speaking of that, our next President will be:

Kamala Harris.

Maybe I'd be more thrilled if she'd actually showed up for work in the last four years, but she has a lot of advantages. Being a Democrat, she naturally has the support of almost all of the mainstream media. She's already established as VP (which isn't as much of an advantage as you'd think: Only six have been elected to the highest office). She has the correct gender and skin color. True, some will vote against her because of this, but many more will vote for her because of it, regardless of other factors.

So Harris will win, Trump will protest, and life will go on. The size of government and the debt will continue to grow. The border situation will maybe get better, with so much light being shined on it. And everyone will continue hating everyone else.

And then it'll be 2028.

We and our books can be found ... everywhere:

· Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

· Barnes & Noble: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

· Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4898846.Mark_R_Hunter

· Blog: https://markrhunter.blogspot.com/

· Website: http://www.markrhunter.com/

· Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ozma914/

· Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MarkRHunter914

· Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/markrhunter/

· Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarkRHunter

· Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@MarkRHunter

· Substack: https://substack.com/@markrhunter

· Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ozma914

· Smashwords: https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

Remember: If you don't vote, don't complain.

Tags:

The theme for this year's Fire Prevention Weeks is "Smoke alarms: Make them work for you". Which sound like a great idea, but then you have to pay them, and send W-2 forms, and it would mess up your taxes ...

In any case, here's the link to the National Fire Prevention Association's info on the subject:

https://www.nfpa.org/events/fire-prevention-week

During my four decades in the emergency services, I never heard anyone complain that their smoke detectors worked properly. Well, okay, once—but that guy was an arsonist.

Fire Prevention Week this year is October 6-12, mostly because nothing else goes on in mid-October. No, actually it was because the Great Chicago Fire happened on October 9, 1871. That fire destroyed more than 17,400 structures and killed at least 250 people, and might have been prevented if Mrs. O’Leary had installed a smoke detector in her barn. Have you ever seen a cow remove a smoke detector battery? Me neither.

Nobody really knows what started the Great Chicago Fire, so the dairy industry has a real beef with blaming the cow, which legend says knocked over a lamp. Does the lamp industry ever get the blame? Noooo....

Cow or lamp? Trick question: It's a training session, so firefighters.

At about the same time the Peshtigo Fire burned across Wisconsin, killing 1,152 people and burning 16 entire towns. Several fires burned across Michigan and Wisconsin at the time, causing some to speculate that a meteor shower might have caused the conflagration. There may have been shooting stars elsewhere, but Chicago got all the press.

This year’s Fire Prevention Week theme is "Smoke alarms: Make them work for you!" It's not like they're going to be busy elsewhere.

Just as you should change your smoke detector batteries every fall and spring, you should replace your smoke alarm every ten years. Doing the same to your carbon monoxide detector is a great idea, so it can make a sound to warn about the gas that never makes a sound.

This is great advice, and as I hadn’t given much thought to the age of my own smoke detectors, I took it. The one in the basement stairway said: “Manufactured 1888 by the Tesla Fire Alarm Co.”

Not a good sign.

The one in the kitchen hallway said simply: “Smoke alarm. Patent pending.”

Oh boy.

So check them. Do it right now, so they're working for you. I know it doesn’t have quite the pizzazz of the 1942 Fire Prevention Week theme: “Every Fire Helps Hitler”.

But hey … you can’t blame the Nazis for everything.