Note: I stumbled upon this post from 2006 recently, and thought it gave an interesting look at my viewpoint at the time--after my first marriage, but before my second. In other words, I'm much happier now.

 

What am I doing February 14th? Let’s see: I have a doctor’s appointment that day, and not with the “Love Doctor”. I’ll fit an early dinner in -- just me, with no chocolate for dessert in any form. Nor do I plan to buy myself, or anyone else, jewelry.

What do I have against Valentine’s Day? For starters, I was one of those Charlie Brown type kids who waited hopelessly by the mailbox for a Valentine that would never come. Eventually I got married – on Valentine’s Day. I’m no longer married. Get the picture? I could have just as easily gotten married on Christmas, and spent the rest of my life shooting at Santa’s sled with guided missiles.

 

 

 

I’m as romantic as the next person. Well, the next man. I’m up for hand holding, candlelit dinners, full body massages, and lingerie. Lingerie’s questionable, of course: Sexy female underwear is a gift for the giver, not the wearer. Personally, I love lingerie – but I’d never wear any. It’s uncomfortable (Okay, I assume), overpriced, and under covering, but it sure looks good on women …

Where was I?

The point is, I'm smart enough not to gift a microwave, or a new vacuum cleaner. Okay, once, but that was a joke, I swear, and the bruises healed.

Guys, it is not the thought that counts. It’s vital to understand that. It doesn’t matter how much you love that pair of season tickets to your favorite sportsball team. Also, you get no brownie points for recognizing that your lady needs a new mop. You can put on all the lovely wrapping and pretty bows you want, and she’s still going to wrap it around your neck.

After that it gets a bit more difficult. Candy is iffy, for instance. You might get the, “I’m trying to lose weight!” cry. “Don’t you care about me? How can you torture me like this?”

 

You could always give her a dozen eggs, but jewelry would be cheaper.

 

 

Just to clarify, I’m trying to lose weight, and yet would still gladly accept chocolate as a gift. In case anyone was wondering.

Cards are great, of course, but they don’t qualify as the gift – they go with the gift. Also, on this holiday funny cards are not funny. Go for something with poetry in it, and not poetry that starts with, “There once was a man from Nantucket”.

Flowers are generally safe, unless she’s allergic. Buying flowers goes against a man’s instinct: He doesn’t understand the point of something that doesn’t feed anyone, do anything, or provide entertainment, and soon becomes ugly and worthless. The parallels to your average politician are obvious.

Still, Valentine’s Day, like a wedding, is for women, not men. So going for the flowers seems like a good idea, until you consider the fact that certain flowers mean certain things. This flummoxes men. What do you men, yellow roses mean something different than pink roses? They’re flowers, man! Who made these rules? Who cares?

 

Yes, it's cheaper to pick something out of the yard, but tell me where you'll find this in mid-February.

 

 

Well, the women care, that’s who. Get on the internet, ask a florist. You’ll soon find that baby’s breath has nothing to do with projectile vomiting, and that presenting a lady with black roses may not bring the reaction you’d hoped for. You might even be startled to find there actually are flowers other than roses. Carnations are more than condensed milk, fellas.

If all else fails – and it will – there’s another choice: Jewelry.

Yes, it's expensive. Get over it. Many women like sparklies, and I’m not talking about the finish of your new fishing boat. Speaking of which, if you’ve bought any “boys toys” in the last year, she will inevitably compare the value of her gift with the value of the toy. She may think, “He loves his boat/gun/four wheeler/golf clubs more than me!” She’ll be right, but believe me, admitting that is not the answer.

So suck it up, and get her the jewelry. And if your own toy is a brand new bass boat, add in the flowers and a really nice card, the one with three digits in the price. Think of it as insurance – you want to avoid those sudden glares that seem to happen out of the blue, which can lead to raging battles when you admit not knowing why she’s mad. You’re guaranteeing a peaceful home life and a contented significant other.

At least, until her birthday. You’ve got that marked on the calendar -- right?

 

 

 

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

 

 

I was going to write a loving Valentine's Day salute to my wife, otherwise known as sucking up. But I got sick, also known as every freaking holiday and anniversary, so instead I stole a chose some nice holiday related images.

When I started looking for some fun images, the first thing I noticed is that there are a LOT of single people out there who are just a bit, shall we say, bitter.

 

 I've been there, back in the olden days. Still, some are trying.

 

They're not necessarily doing well, but still.

 

For we people who are taken, there's still a challenge. Well, not for the women so much, but for the men.

 Been there, too. In fact, been there on Valentine's Day morning, every one of the last ten years.

 

 

 My wife and I spend a lot of time together--she's doing a lot of the work related to my writing career, while I selfishly just write, so you could say we're coworkers.

But that's cool, because we're both the boss, when that's okay with her.

And the strangest part is that after almost eight years of marriage we still get along, even when I annoy her, which is usually.

Cute. By the way, I'm much older than her, so that image isn't accurate. I looked for one, and let me give you a piece of advice: Don't Google "Older Man With Younger Women" unless you're sure of your safe search settings.

I love Emily lots. I even say it a lot, because I try not to take her for granted, even though I still sometimes do. I told her the other day that in addition to having her, I wouldn't have a writing career if she hadn't come along and started pushing me. I wouldn't have gone outside my comfort zone on some great vacations. I wouldn't have had the dog, also known as our furry child.

I also wouldn't have to worry about Valentine's Day. But hey ... you make sacrifices or love.

 

 

Let me run this scenario past you. Your significant other says, "You never use your imagination when you get me gifts!"

So Instead of flowers or chocolate, this year you give her flower-shaped chocolate.

Let me know how sleeping on the couch works out.

Or, you can get them a book about Valentine's Day! Now that I think about it, maybe you should have it delivered with flowers ... just in case.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1936955040





A bunch of us got together a few years ago to write this humor anthology, and it could save your romantic life ... unless you got a copy last year, too. In that case--unless you have a different significant other--you might want to consider lingerie. Or, um ... chocolate flavored lingerie in a flower print.

Or you could gift them one of my romantic comedy novels. But a book that actually has a Valentine on the cover is pretty appropriate.

For Valentines Day, Emily said she would make me some brownies. That's about all I need in life.

But what she ended up making--shown here fresh out of the oven--was not just a brownie. It was a three layer heart shaped brownie, with chocolate frosting between each layer, and chocolate chips on top.


And a couple of leftover heart brownie hearts on the side. It was quite possibly the single best Valentines Day treat I ever got in my life. My wife truly knows the way to my heart.

Or ... does she know the way to my heart attack? After all, she gets the insurance money ...

But what the heck. If I'm going to keel over, I'm going by chocolate.