ozma914 | Entries tagged with slightly off the mark

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

Nothing makes a person feel older than when they start telling those “when I was a kid” stories.

Example: When I was a kid I really did have to walk to school, through rain or snow. The winters really were colder back then. And, through some trick of physics, it really was uphill both ways.

Actually, the alley I used to take to school is only uphill part of the way. The rest of the way it’s downhill. So that memory, like most, was only half right.

Still, overall that “when I was a kid” story is true. When aiming to impress, the trick to this particular tale is to never mention that I only lived two blocks from school.

I found myself telling one of those stories after May’s spring cleanup week. That’s when you drag all the junk that’s too big to fit into trash bags to the curb, where the town has someone haul it away. It’s an effort to keep people from dumping their junk, which they probably should never have bought anyway, into a ditch somewhere.

When I was a kid people just tossed junk into ravines out in the country. A wonderful place to explore—when I was a kid. They didn’t have recycling, and pollution was someone else’s problem.

You’re in “when I was a kid” mode when actual kids roll their eyes, while people your age nod in agreement. Actually, when I was a kid people who are my present age seemed ancient, but now they don’t seem very old at all.

Sorry, when I was a kid I didn’t go off on tangents like that. Now, some time back my son-in-law gave us a tube TV—when I was a kid we just called it a TV. Officially they’re CRT sets, which just means they have huge backsides … insert your own booty joke here. It was the biggest TV I’d ever owned, with a 32 inch screen.

It weighed 75 pounds.

Later, we found a flat screen TV on clearance. It was an off-brand, but the price was right and it had an even bigger screen. It was awesome: not just the size, but the better picture.

It turned out I’d been wrongly blaming the networks: “When I was a kid, ‘Star Trek’ was bright and colorful! Now I can hardly see what those Winchester boys are doing on ‘Supernatural‘, it’s so murky!” When you’re hunting demons it’s usually at night, but never mind.

I dragged the big booty TV off to the back porch. It didn’t seem to mind, being old and tired.

Sometime after that I needed another computer monitor, for writing projects that required extra screen space. We bought a smaller flat screen TV, which could be hooked to the computer. When not being used for that it’s in the kitchen, so I can turn it on and complain about how, when I was a kid, they actually had weather on The Weather Channel instead of “reality” programming.

Which is untrue, because when I was a kid there was no Weather Channel.

Soon I realized we had a bunch of tube TVs we just didn’t need anymore. Surely someone would want them, so we set them out for sale, for $15.

No one wanted them.

$10.

No one wanted them.

$5. Nope. Finally I put a “free” sign on them, and put the word out on social media. Free TVs! Free! They work just fine! No one wanted them. Even Goodwill didn’t want them. Nobody wanted CRT TVs. Nobody. And I had four—four working CRT TVs.

Think about that. My wife and I grew up poor, and are still clawing our way through the lower middle class. But we had SIX working television sets. It killed me, to consider throwing away something that worked just fine. Well, more or less just fine—on “The Walking Dead” you had to squint to tell which ones were the zombies—but still.

As I dragged the old sets out to the curb (somehow, the biggest now weighed 95 pounds), I caught myself grumbling …

Well, you know what I grumbled, and it shows my age. When I was a kid we had one TV, a console set. You older people, explain console sets to the younger ones. It was black and white, and probably 19 inch. Once, it stopped working. You know what my brother did? He went outside and played. You know what I did? I read a book. Nobody panicked; nobody ran out to go into debt on a rent-to-own set.

By the time I moved out on my own I’d already become a consumer, and didn’t want to be without a TV. Luckily, I was given a free one, just like the ones I tried to give away. Well, not just like. It was a 13 inch black and white set. I always had two weights on top, all the way on the right end, carefully laid so that they dented the case in just a little.

Without the weights, the sound wouldn’t work.

Yeah, things have changed. I no longer have to hang a coat hanger from the curtains to pull in a scratchy, snowy channel. I don’t have to worry about the sound suddenly cutting out in the middle of “Buck Rogers”.

But I had a TV and, oddly, I think I appreciated it more. In other words, to quote still another phrase that makes me feel old:

I was darned glad to have it.

The original flat screen

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slightly off the mark

(Originally printed in the 4County Mall: http://www.4countymall.com/#!mark-hunter---slightly-off-the-mark/qu1l6)

(And here’s your first look at a chapter from our new book!)

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

In all my years of writing this column, only once was I accused of using it to promote my books. That’s strange, because it happened all the time—apparently I was sneakier than I thought. But it didn’t start until 2011 … because, well, I didn’t have any books published before 2011.

Last month, in my winter-weary state of mind, I was looking forward to spring flowers, so I stole from my next book to write about how the Indiana state flower came to be. So the plan this month was to avoid mentioning the book, and to write about something that fits right in with the times: politics.

If you can’t make fun of politics … well, you’re not paying attention. Especially this year.

Approaching Indiana’s May primary, I found myself full of double negatives: That is to say, I flipped a coin to determine who I least wanted to vote against. Maybe that’s not technically a double negative, but many of the candidates are.

Despite my determination not to steal from my own work, there is indeed something in Hoosier Hysterical that fits the times. In fact, it has at least two sections that cover politics: “Crime and Puns”, and “Primary Colors”.

No, wait … “Crime and Puns” is about famous Indiana criminals. Sorry, I get the crooks and politicians confused.

Anyway, as I wrote this, the 2016 Indiana primary promised to do something most presidential primaries don’t, in the Hoosier state: matter.

While other states have their primaries earlier and earlier, Indiana stubbornly insists on doing what the rest of them should do: keep to a more reasonable date. If every state did that, maybe the election season could have a sane time frame, say less than a few freaking years. Starting the elections in January means starting the fund raising, campaigning and endless speculating around November 10^th … November 10^th of the previous election year.

The other day I caught an old Tonight Show clip of author Gore Vidal, who suggested elections be legally limited to 6-8 weeks. Even back then, somebody had the right idea.

So Indiana stuck to its guns and did the right thing, and in turn we get to have absolutely no say in who the parties pick as their presidential nominees. Usually. This year we mattered to a degree, as we did in the Clinton-Obama battle. That’s not the norm, but as you’ll see in this section of the book … well, you’ll see.

I’m tempted to make some bombastic boast about this being your first, exclusive look at Hoosier Hysterical, but nah … this is an election year. There’s plenty of bombast as it is.

Primary Colors

Hoosiers will be stunned to learn their state used to matter in national elections.

No, seriously.

The primary system has morphed in such a way that the nominations for US President have pretty much been settled by the time Indiana has its primary election in May. In addition, the state has become solidly red—Democratic presidential contenders might as well not bother to spend money here, and in the general election the Republican pick usually gets the nod. It’s still up in the air from time to time, such as the Democratic primary fight in 2008, but mostly the national candidates don’t bother. Campaign weary Hoosiers tend to breathe a sigh of relief.

But it wasn’t always that way. Just the opposite: After the Civil War Indiana became a swing state, and often a deciding factor in the general election. The state echoed with rallies, parades, and speeches. Voter turnout?

You might want to sit down for this.

Voter turnout usually reached over 90%, and approached 100% in the elections of 1888 and 1896.

I told you to sit down.

Although outright fraud was surprisingly rare, it was common for party members to pay their supporters to vote, especially in rural areas. It wasn’t unheard of for them to pay supporters of the other side not to vote. Yes, alcohol was also involved.

Indiana became so important that, between 1880 and 1924, a Hoosier was a member of the ticket for one party or another in all but one of the general elections. You might recall Benjamin Harrison, who won in 1888. 300,000 people came to hear him speak from his Indianapolis front porch during the campaign (a very nice front porch, I might add). Five Hoosiers have become Vice-President, although none since 1988.

Now it seems as if Indiana no longer attends Electoral College … or at least, we’re no longer head of the class.

(Author’s note: I’m not suggesting you’ll find Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All in a few weeks by going to my website at www.markrhunter.com. But you will.)

Benjamin Harrison's Indianapolis home saw more politicking than a lobbyist's yacht.

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From Scher Maihem Studios … my voice before I had sinus surgery!

And probably still my voice after, too. But here’s my column about winterizing, which you may have read last month under “Winterizing’s Not for the Weak” – now on audio with some whimsical video to go along. Personally I’m not a fan of my own voice, although I sound just find singing, as long as it’s in the shower without witnesses.

https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362

Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!

Or:

From Scher Maihem Studios … my voice before I had sinus surgery!

https://player.vimeo.com/video/147178362

Or see below if my computer talents work ... but I doubt it. Don’t forget, you can always see my Slightly Off the Mark column first in the Kendallville Mall!

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Apparently this is the last couple of days you can order something and still be sure to get it before Christmas, which includes my books if you don’t buy them locally. I know … usually I try to hide my sales pitches behind humor, but honestly I’m exhausted.

A few days ago Noble Art Gallery asked for more copies of Images of America: Albion and Noble County, and I’m told Albion Village Foods has sent off for additional copies three times now. I don’t know how sales are going at Doc’s Hardware, Black Pine Animal Sanctuary, or the Old Jail Museum (which isn’t open this time of year), but as soon as I get medical clearance I’m going to do my happy dance.

Meanwhile I just finished another polishing of my newest book, now with the working title of Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving at All. Emily has it for a fresh-eye review, and if we don’t get a bite from a publisher, we’ll probably self-publish in mid-Spring.

Also meanwhile, look for a free Christmas themed short story soon, as a present from us to you.

As always, check us out at www.markrhunter.com, because sometimes you just need a little book … or a big book. But most of mine skew shorter.

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“(My first) apartment was slightly smaller than my ’76 Pontiac Ventura, but contained what I needed: a table just large enough to hold my manual typewriter, a stack of scrap paper with one clean side, and a dictionary. The rest would be history, and someday there’d be a little plaque on the front door (okay, the only door) of that one room salute to literary beginnings.

“Years later, after I’d moved on and my writing career hadn’t, the building burned down.

“Boy, I wish I’d gone to college.”

Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns is just $8.75 in print, or $1.98 as an e-book … I’m not sure you can even get movie popcorn for nine bucks, anymore. Maybe one of those small bags that’s half spilled before you reach your seat. If you spill a book, you can just pick it up. If you like to bring books into the theater (and who doesn’t?) and you’re worried about the pages falling on a sticky floor, read it on your phone (but only until the movie starts). You’re already seen all the ads, anyway.

But if you like coming attractions, I'm also in need of reviews, recommendations, and reposts.

http://markrhunter.com/SOTMUnpubd.html

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I’m a little late posting my column, but hopefully you’ve already picked it up on the Kendallville Mall. If not, please check it out for free, or even consider sponsoring my column—but at least leave a comment on its official site here:

http://www.4countymall.com/mark-hunter---slightly-off-the-mark/mouse-trap

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

My war with mice has gone on for decades. Like the zombie apocalypse, I keep killing ‘em off, and they keep coming back.

Except zombies don’t like peanut butter. I guess it would be better if they did.

If I had to choose between spiders and mice I’d take the mice, although I’d rather not have either. Spiders don’t chew through wiring or eat your food, and as far as I know they don’t do their business in your cupboards. Nobody ever pinned the bubonic plague on a brown recluse. Instead it was that other brown recluse, the rat.

Now, I’m not an animal hater. In fact, thanks to the brush pile I’ve been intending to remove for years, my property is home for rabbits, chipmunks, squirrels, and so many varieties of birds that I made the Audubon Society’s honor roll.

At this point the federal government probably wouldn’t even allow me to remove that brush pile. It’s a wildland zone, according to EPA Rule #1A24-782.237-BB1442.

But when they’re outside my house, they’re wildlife. When they’re inside my house, they’re pests. The only animal allowed to roam free inside is our dog, who doesn’t chew on wires and doesn’t do his business in the kitchen cupboards. I’d know if he did. Otherwise we have the fish and Lucius the snake, all in tanks.

Mice are welcome to visit those tanks, but it wouldn’t end well.

After we got the snake I tried some live traps, and if you’re squeamish you might not want to think about why. In my case live traps were very humane indeed, because they never caught any mice.

So I went back to my standby, the good old fashioned spring loaded mousetrap. I own seven thousand of them. Did I mention my house has a mouse problem? They come down with a force strong enough to put a good sized dent in a finger and cause a guy to yell, and I should know.

In a year mice go through seven hundred and forty generations, and they pass down how to get a free meal. So use peanut butter, because it’s sticky; they’ll have to work at it, and that force will mean it’s last meal time.

It works—about half the time.

Mouse hunting season is in the fall, when the little guys go looking for a warm place to spend the winter. If I had the money, I’d head south and leave the place to them.

Over the years I’ve learned their travel patterns: The superhighway is behind the stove, with main streets going to the refrigerator and an elevated freeway to the kitchen counter.

There’s also, oddly, a bit of a side road between the basement and the kitchen. I’ve caught a fair number in the basement, which is odd because it’s cold, and has less nutrition than a bachelor’s diet. Apparently that’s low income mouse housing.

Now, there’s a little ledge in the basement stairway. It’s about eight feet above the concrete basement floor, and I’ve caught more than one mouse in that area. Maybe it’s a little mouse dance hall.

The other day I threw some clothes down the basement stairs—don’t judge me. When I did laundry (it was the same day, I swear), I noticed a mousetrap on the floor. Clearly it had fallen from the ledge; not only had it been tripped, but the peanut butter was gone. Either my thrown clothes caught it and the mice got to it later, or a particularly sneaky little guy got the meal, and dropped the trap like a hot mike at a poetry slam.

Or so I thought.

Later I picked up the last of the laundry and there he was under a t-shirt, dead as a … dead mouse. Not a mark on him. I did some quick physics calculations, and came up with a new scenario:

My friend the mouse managed to get himself a meal all right, but in doing so he tripped the trap. Surprised by the sudden noise, he jumped back.

Only there was no back.

The poor guy managed to get into the house, survive the trap, and you could even say he survived what, to him, would be about a ten story fall.

It was the concrete floor that killed him.

Well … at least he didn’t have to fight off peanut butter eating zombies.

I found some cats to help, but they seemed uninterested in leaving their kitty pool.

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I’m posting this mostly for my benefit, so you can ignore it or, preferably, embrace it and send it to your friends all over the world. I’ve had a few (rather surreal) moments this summer when I struggled to remember all the works I’ve had published. Not that there are that many, but I’m putting them up as a list here so I can refer to it in a hurry, and/or refer it to a potential reader. This has made me realize my next book after Images of America: Albion and Noble County will be the tenth publication my name has been on! That’s assuming you don’t include newspapers.

Storm Chaser (2011): A famous weather photographer runs afoul of an Indiana police officer, who suspects she may be manufacturing disasters to photograph.

My Funny Valentine (2011): I have a piece in this anthology about Valentine’s Day, and how very wrong it can go.

Storm Chaser Shorts (2012): A series of short stories featuring characters from Storm Chaser and The Notorious Ian Grant. (E-book only)

Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century Or So With The Albion Fire Department (2013): This illustrated history of my volunteer fire department was written for its 125^th anniversary; proceeds go to the department.

The No-Campfire Girls (2014): When a group of teenage girls find out a drought will prevent campfires at their annual summer camp, they go to extreme lengths to bring on the rain. (Half the profits go to Girl Scout Camp Latonka in Missouri)

The Notorious Ian Grant (2014): A B-list Hollywood troublemaker tries to redeem himself by coming to Indiana to plan his sister’s wedding—whether she wants him to or not.

Strange Portals: Ink Slingers’ Fantasy/Horror Anthology (2014): Two of my characters from Storm Chaser and The Notorious Ian Grant have a Christmas encounter in this holiday themed fiction anthology.

Slightly off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns (2015): A collection of humor pieces published to “celebrate” being downsized from my weekly humor column job, and picked up again as a monthly.

Images of America: Albion and Noble County (2015): A photo-filled journey through local history, covering the settlement and early growth of this northeast Indiana county.

www.markrhunter.com

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Coming soon to an ear near you:

https://player.vimeo.com/video/133668879

A preview for audible episode 2, where I tell the graduates like it is …

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Well, I didn’t sell enough books to make my grappling hook throwing skills necessary, but it was for the best: Turns out my Batman suit doesn’t fit anymore. I promised that if I sold enough at the Saturday book signing I’d scale the Black Building, but over the years I’ve grown from Christian Bale Batman to Adam West Batman. It’s too bad, after all the work I did to find a Robin costume for Emily.

Still, we made some sales and had fun hanging with Dan Gagen at the Noble Art Gallery. And it goes on, in a way: Dan kindly allowed signed copies to be displayed in his gallery, there at the corner of Orange and Main in Albion. I don’t know if I’d call it art … but if you want to pick up a copy of Slightly Off the Mark, Storm Chaser, Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights, The Notorious Ian Grant, or The No-Campfire Girls, you can get them there while perusing the real art. (Friday and Saturday, 10-5.) You might also be able to pick them up in other local places soon, if I get off my butt and get it done.

Now I can just kick back and relax and … *insert hysterical laughter here* Nah, I’ve got another book coming out in a month and a half, and I’m already hip deep in the next project.

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Remember, election season is coming: You’re going to need lots of books to read, so you can turn off the TV and save your sanity. Come to the Noble Art Gallery in Albion between 2-5 p.m. this coming Saturday, and get a deal on some reading material you’ll never see on a teleprompter.

According to the most recent polls, much of the humor in my books is funny. Also, while some of my books are fiction and some non-fiction, it’s easy to tell which is which—unlike campaign ads.

My most recent is Slightly Off the Mark, and although one chapter does cover politics, it’s clearly marked so you can avoid it. Don’t you need as much humor as you can get to make it through until November, 2016? Sure you do, so vote for me—I mean, see you Saturday, at 100 E. Main.

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If you’re in the area, the newest “Slightly Off the Mark” column is out in the Kendallville Mall, in various locations including the outside newspaper box at Albion Village Foods. This month I give a graduation address …

If you’re not in the area, here’s something to tide you over. Remember awhile back, when someone edited “Mary Poppins” to look like the trailer for a horror movie? Well, somebody had similar fun with the pilot video for my column:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=spdZqg7OXKg

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When Roger Lawrence tagged me for the Versatile Blogger Award, I thought I’d done that before. So I looked back and sure enough, I was nominated by Rosanne Dingli – in 2011. Here’s Roger’s post, in which he tells 7 fun facts about himself:

http://threehoodies.blogspot.com/2015/05/the-versatile-blogger-award.html

The man once cussed out Cary Grant—I can’t outdo that. Since it’s been four years since my time around, I thought I’d put my original answers here for those who’ve come along since, and see if there’ve been any changes along the way. I’m not going to tag anyone—because I already have:

1. Last year I got my 30 year pin as a volunteer firefighter (I joined on my 18^th birthday), and this year made 20 years as an emergency dispatcher. (Ahem … I hit 35 fire years this July 14^th.)

2. I have Seasonal Affected Disorder: Winter quite literally drives me crazy. (But stupidity also drives me crazy, and that happens all year ‘round.)

3. My fiancée is half my age – and twice my maturity. (Married! But she’s still more mature.)

4. I can’t stand America’s two great drinks: coffee and beer. (Earl Grey—hot.)

5. It took me over three decades from the moment I first ventured into fiction writing as a child to getting my first novel published. (Now I kill myself trying to get a new book published at least twice a year.)

6. My humor column, Slightly Off the Mark, was named after a line in a newspaper story about a bowling league. (And it’s not related to the comic strip “Off the Mark” by Mark Parisi, which is very funny.)

7. I was known throughout my school years for being painfully shy. (At least, by those who knew I was there. For those of you who watch “The Middle”, I was a mix of Sue Heck, the invisible geek, and her brother Brick, the bookworm.)

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The good news is, thousands of writers report they’re making a pretty good living.

Unfortunately, that’s a proverbial iceberg tip, being held up by several hundred thousand writers deep underwater. Have you ever tried breathing while being held underwater by thousands of writers?

The median income for authors is less than the amount they spend on computer equipment, Starbucks membership cards, and books about how to write for a living.

Now, I’m not telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me, a writer. No, I’m telling you this so you’ll feel sorry for me and buy my books. That’s the way it is, for a working writer: It’s not work if you don’t sell it. Until then it’s a hobby that saps your health and makes all your relatives question your sanity, but you still can’t stop

In other words, it’s an addiction.

There’s no Writer’s Anonymous meeting to go to, because a real writer is unwilling to quit. Oh, they’ll keep saying they will … but they can be found late at night, hiding in their home office also known as the basement, attic, or spare bedroom, working by the light of a computer screen. “I can quit anytime I want. Just … one more novel. And this one will sell for sure!”

So, if we write for the joy of it, why do we try to sell? It’s an art, right? We’re supposed to starve for our art. Somebody said it, so it must be true.

Yeah, you go ahead and starve.

Are there really that many artists who don’t care to make a living at their art? I’ll bet not. I’ll bet, deep down, that most artists dream of selling enough paintings, pottery, or macramé wall hangings to make a living. If it’s your joy, you want to do it all the time, right? With just enough break time for lunch?

So when I published my latest book, I decided to go on an all-out selling frenzy, to see if I could possibly push enough copies to encourage me toward that eventual goal of taking early retirement. The good news is, in eight years I can take full retirement, at which point I can expect a regular check of half what I’m currently making.

In other words, one way or another, in eight years I’m going to be taking another job—whether it’s writing or not.

The experiment started when my wife and I decided to drop the e-book price on my already-published book, The No-Campfire Girls. It wasn’t exactly flying off the shelves, partially because it can’t be found on a lot of shelves. We dropped the e-book price to 99 cents, which is less than you’d pay for a trip to most soda machines. We also increased how much of the profit goes to support my wife’s former Girl Scout camp, from a third to half.

Yeah, I know, that flies in the face of my earlier desire for a living wage, but sometimes it’s nice to do something nice.

I sent notice of this to all the local media, and to the local media down in Missouri, where the camp is. I also hit a heavy rotation on social media, blaring the word as far and hard as I could. I became so annoying that some of my internet friends flew in from other countries and knocked on my front door, just so they could slap me.

“We get it! You have a new book! But you’re interfering with our cute kitten videos!”

I sold four copies.

Not long after that my newest book, Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns, came out. This was a book of my unpublished Slightly Off the Mark columns. You probably figured that out. I’m writing a column now for the Kendallville Mall, but I had a lot of material left over after being downsized from my old job.

I spent two weeks being as obnoxious as I possibly could about this book, which to be honest I’m pretty proud of. I blabbed about it on Blogger, Facebook, Twitter, and I’m pretty sure I got it up on a site that normally caters to people who dress in Wookie costumes to go swinging in Rio. I sent it to newspapers in Las Cruces, New Mexico. Well, the one newspaper. I sent it to CNN. I sent it to that guy who used to publish Penthouse magazine: “Dear Penthouse Letters, I never thought this would happen to me, but I published a book!”

I sent my grandkids out with sandwich boards. I decaled my website (www.markrhunter.com) on the side of the car. I wrote the book title in white paint on several area streets, thus causing an incident I’d rather not talk about. (It did NOT look like a railroad crossing sign!)

The result? Mediocre. I have not turned in two weeks’ notice at my day job.

Now, we’ll see what happens when my next book comes out, on August 24th. But that’s another media blitz.

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I know what you want: You want to know what other people have to think about Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns. And who can blame you?

What, you don’t want that? You want … brownies? Well, okay, go get a snack and then come back.

Here’s a review by author DM Yates, who’s more than just a trophy wife:
https://dmyatesjournalings.wordpress.com/2015/05/03/book-review-slightly-off-the-mark-by-mark-r-hunter/

She compares me to Mark Twain, despite the fact that I’ve never piloted a riverboat, and I look terrible in white. We’re both Marked, though.

Here’s a review by Kay Kauffman, who has a signed affidavit that we’re related by neither blood nor bank account:
http://suddenlytheyalldied.com/2015/04/21/review-time-4/

Kay insists the book is chock full of laughs, as opposed to initial reports that she laughed ‘till she choked, and a three day investigation by the Wapello County Sheriff Department has confirmed this.

Those and two other reviews can be found on Goodreads:
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/25393086-slightly-off-the-mark

The other two reviews are by Barry Parham, who himself is a humor writer and thus should know better, and Joleen Naylor, whose horror stories about vampires make her an expert on politics.

By Federal statute Goodreads can only list books that are good reads, as determined through a review by the Mount Airy, North Carolina, Police Department. Writers who violate this statute can be thrown into a weekend drunk tank with Otis, a long-term convict rumored to have both body odor and severe halitosis. These reviews can, then, be viewed with a high degree of accuracy.

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My video show page is up at Scher Maihem Studios. Yeah, you heard that right! Listen to my March column, “A Good Day Having Written”, read by me (because we couldn’t afford James Earl Jones), with sound effects and animation by the same people who print me in the Kendallville Mall. I mean print my column, not dust me for prints … never mind.

http://www.schermaihemstudios.com/slightly-off-the-mark.html

Now, this is the pilot show, so if I don’t get good ratings we might not make the fall schedule. (Kidding! I think.) They have other video on their page, including a new show, “Meet Black Pine Animals”, so check it out!

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The print run of Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns is here, but we could run out quickly! (Not really, we’ll just order more.)

You can get a signed copy on my website at http://www.markrhunter.com/ using PayPal, or do that whole credit card thing. Or, you can get a print copy on Amazon and pair it with the Kindle version at half price. Or, just shoot me a line and we’ll make arrangements.

On that same website page, sign up for our mailing list and get notifications, information, humor, and stuff. (Stuff to be announced.) I’ll endeavor to be entertaining.

Needless to say, order any of my other books there, too! I’m not all about the funny. Some people feel very strongly about that.

It still looks like this.

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This is what I was going to post to get the ball rolling on the release of Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns (which are now the published columns). But now it’s up on Amazon, and on the website, and … we just got our delivery of print copies!

“I turned around a few minutes later, walked into the Albion New Era office with the aura of confidence and skill, and said ‘I changed my mind. Pleasssseeeee!!!!!!’”

--Slightly Off the Mark, from “Why I write, or: I hate needles”.

Thus began my career as a humor columnist, which resulted in some 1,150,000 words over the next quarter of a century. Now, although my column has moved to the monthly Kendallville Mall, I’ve collected all my unpublished earlier columns into one volume.

Because “volume” sounds somehow more official than “book”.

It’s a short book, but my fourteen regular readers have short attention spans, so it’s all good. Now I’m asking you, my other hundred or so readers, to purchase Slightly off the Mark and then actually read it, and then tell all their friends. It’s a lot to ask, but I have no shame.

You can find links to all the ways you can get the Slightly Off the Mark on my website, www.markrhunter.com, or at regular internet places, and soon I hope to have news on such things as book signings and other places where you can get a copy. Or, knock on my door, or stop me in the street. Not in the middle of the street … maybe wait for me on the sidewalk.

To show you what you’ll be treated to—I hope that’s the right word—the book is divided into sections including:

Part One: because someone has to go first

Part Deux: the final second

Part Three: medical stuff, and things

Part Four: the writer’s life for me, or: Brother, can you spare a dime?

Part Five: how do you spell miscellaneous?

Part Six: part two of the writer’s life, or: Six into two makes … something

Part Seven: politics, or: Maybe you shouldn’t read this section—(my editor didn’t)

Part Eight: What’s the sundry word for miscellaneous?

If that’s not enough for you to part with your Starbucks money, at the end of the book you’ll find the first chapter of my upcoming space opera novel, Beowulf: In Harm’s Way. There’s humor there, too. Really, there is. I would recommend you pay particular attention to that part if you’re, say, a publisher, or an agent.

Hope you like it!

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You know what I like? Well, yeah, Mountain Dew. Okay, sleep, I like sleep. But in this case, I like when my new book gets reviews before it’s technically even published:

http://www.amazon.com/Slightly-off-Mark-Unpublished-Columns-ebook/dp/B00W68ZOKK/

Okay, it’s technically published. Let’s now make it officially published. (I also like chocolate.)

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you should happen to wander over to my Amazon author page, you might find some ahead-of-time surprises that even I wasn’t expecting.

http://www.amazon.com/Mark-R-Hunter/e/B0058CL6OO/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1429651616&sr=8-1

Okay, maybe I am the type to jump the gun. But I’d put the safety on.

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We’ve dropped the e-book price on The No-Campfire Girls from $1.50 to 99 cents, to celebrate the May 1^st release of my humor book, Slightly Off the Mark! The print copy of our summer camp story remains $5.00, but if you’re hesitant to give us too much money, then hear this:

One third of the proceeds from The No-Campfire Girls was going to support Camp Latonka, the Missouri Girl Scout facility Emily called home for many years. That is now increased: Half of all profits from the book will go to maintenance and support costs to keep the camp operating. Can’t afford the five bucks you’d spend on some fancy Starbucks drink that will make you die young? Then get an e-book for what you’d spend on a vending machine can of pop that will make you die young!

So read about the story and get it here:

http://www.amazon.com/No-Campfire-Girls-Mark-R-Hunter/dp/149755926X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1429259259&sr=8-1&keywords=the+no-campfire+girls

Or read about all my stories and get them here:

http://markrhunter.com/books.html

Don’t forget to leave a review, retweet, repost, pass it on, support the Scouts! Or at least support our writing costs. I’m cool with that.

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Slightly Off the Mark

When I Was a Kid ...

Primary Colors

My Voice Can Tell of My Winterizing Fail

Moving Copies of Sometimes Moving Books

The Funniest Book Based On My Columns ... okay, the only one.

Mouse Trap

So I Don't Forget My Own Books

Slightly Off the Preview

Holy Book Sales, Batman!

Vote for Me for Book Signer

Out in the Paper and Slightly Off the Trailer

The Versatile Blogger Award redo

Making a Living at Art, and Other Fantasies

Passing On Review

Off the Mark, and On Video

Print books are in. With words, and everything!

The Official Announcement, Now That You Already Know

New Book, New Reviews

A Publishing Surprise Or Two

Dropping Prices, Rising Donations

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