Slightly Off the Mark

More Presidential Predictions, or: I have a time machine!

2024-10-31T22:16:10Z

I was very curious to know what the results would be from the upcoming US Presidential election, so I borrowed a car from a friend of mine and went to check it out.

When that baby hit 88 mph, I saw some serious stuff.

First of all, I was surprised to learn of the massive grass-roots write-in campaign that led to the election of "None of the above".

It perhaps comes as no surprised that after a tie vote in the Senate, Senate President Kamala Harris cast the deciding vote to deny the results, her reasoning being that None Of the Above is not a real person. That led to a surprising challenge from California, by a person who, in 2005, did indeed have their name changed legally from Karma Applebutter to None Of the Above.

None--if I can call them that--lost their case after it was discovered they were born to Swedish parents during an airplane trip from London to Dubai to protest climate change. For those of you who haven't read it, that made them Constitutionally unable to run for the highest office. The same held true for their VP candidate, Toker Guitarsolo, although they claimed to have at least been conceived during a northern California wine tasting event.

This left the election winner as the second biggest vote getter, which was another surprise because, it turns out, no one had actually checked to see who the second biggest vote getter was.

Vice President Harris again cast the deciding vote in the Senate, contending that, while having a tiger as a Vice President would be kind of cool and useful for dealing with dictatorships, Calvin and Hobbes technically are not real people.

This came as a great disappointment, and in the years since has generally been recognized as a great opportunity lost.

A movement to repeat the election collapsed when Donald Trump and Joe Biden announced they were leaving politics to become standup comedians. Their HBO special, "The Joe and Don Comedy Tour" broke viewership records and won three Emmy Awards.

In the end Kamala Harris was certified as winning the election by narrow margins in both the popular and electoral vote, after serving as temporary President until the recount was finished in early 2026. The last of the legal challenges was thrown out of the 9th Circuit Court just after Harris finished her second term in 2039. The attorneys pushing that lawsuit disappeared shortly thereafter.

"Oh, a sanity clause won't work here."

Harris' suspension of the Constitutional to allow her to serve longer is hardly surprising, considering the outbreak of the Second Civil War in 2029. The conflict, between one side that called itself the United States and another that called itself the United States, ended quickly when the side nicknamed "The Coast States" discovered that their opponents in "The Middle" did indeed have a lot more guns and ammunition. The US Military, busy in other countries, declared itself neutral.

Presidents Harris and Vance then held a productive meeting in which The Coast agreed to stop making reality TV shows. The Middle promised to keep sending food to the cities, whose populations had never been entirely clear on where most food came from.

The citizens of Chicago later tried to secede and join Canada, but Canadian Prime Minister Justin Beiber refused, saying Chicago was "too mean".

So, there you have it. As I predicted last week, Kamala Harris will be declared the next President. Hold your noses and vote, people.

Remember, folks: Humor. Parody. Stuff like that. While I still believe Harris will be declared winner, I can't confirm or deny that I have a time machine.

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Remember: Lots of great books are NOT about politics.

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Song Parody: Stop the Snow

2024-01-25T23:19:28Z

I posted this a few years ago, but it's about winter generally, which makes it an evergreen. So to speak. The funny thing is, within days of me deciding to rerun it, the snow started melting away. I should write a song about freezing rain, or fog.

I hate winter. Well, only if I have to go out in it, or pay for heating the house, or if it’s winter. Otherwise I don’t mind. Anyway, parody songs are only good if you’re familiar with the original, which in this case is “Let It Go” from Frozen. If you have kids of a certain age, you’ve not only heard it, you’re sick of it. (I’m not–but my kids are all grown up, and I’ve only seen the movie once.) If you haven’t heard it, here’s the song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QnN6glKaWdE

Or see the original lyrics here:

https://genius.com/Idina-menzel-let-it-go-lyrics

I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”.

But ... I'm so cool!

The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream

The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried

Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow

Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.

It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you.

It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed

Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …

A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain

Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.

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Remember: Music makes the heart grow fonder, but reading builds the brain.

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How Santa Got On the Naughty List

2022-12-24T01:03:16Z

T'was the night before Christmas when I met my partner, Mary Darling, for our Christmas Eve shift in the City of Angels. "Merry Christmas, Darling." The squad room's halls were decked.

"Feliz Navidad," replied Darling, who's been taking Spanish lessons. "Looks like we'll have a white Christmas."

"Maybe it'll be quiet, and we can spend the night at the station, rockin' around the Christmas tree."

But our wonderful Christmas time was interrupted by a radio call. Darling listened to the dispatcher, then turned to me. "Do you hear what I hear?"

"Yeah," I said. "Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Looks like somebody's going to have a blue Christmas."

We took a sleigh ride to Candy Cane Lane, where we found Grandma under the tree, being treated for facial injuries. "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth," was all she'd say, but we had two witnesses: her granddaughter Noel, and Noel's boyfriend, a rap singer who went by Little Drummer Boy.

"It was a burglary," LDB started to say, but Noel wanted to be the first.

"It was Santa, baby," Noel said. "I saw it, too. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus. When Grandma caught them she chased him, but she hadn't put on her Christmas shoes and he got away."

"So the reindeer didn't run her over?" Darling asked.

"No, she tripped and fell into the holly and the ivy. You can see how her white gown now has greensleeves, and forget the Christmas shoes; she fell so hard her slippers are up on the housetop. Just ask Frosty the Snowman, he was there."

But Frosty had gone home for the holidays, and I began to suspect there was more to this than what could be put into the morning pretty paper. "Noel--Noel? Did you hear anything before the attack?"

"Yeah, I heard someone say "Here comes Santa Claus! Then I heard jingle bells, and I figured Santa Claus was coming to town."

"Did your mom say anything?" Darling asked.

"Just 'Santa, Baby'." Then they saw Grandma come in, and Santa went running out the door. The last thing I heard was him yelling 'Run, Rudolph, Run!' Then I went out and saw Grandma got her jingle bell rocked."

Little Drummer Boy put his arm around Noel. "Let's go in--baby, it's cold outside."

But she shrugged him off. "let it snow. I saw you flirting with our neighbor, Carol, under the silver bells. I heard you offering to bring Joy to the world. You just want to be the man with all the toys."

"No, baby--all I want for Christmas is you."

"Yeah, I bought all that when you gave me silver and gold last Christmas. But it doesn't have to be that way."

I couldn't believe it. Do they know it's Christmas? Well, there wouldn't be any peace on Earth tonight.

I'd walked out into the silent night, to where Grandma had been found in the snowfall. But there were no other footprints in the snow, or sleigh tracks. Santa Claus may be back in town, but he hadn't been here.

But Little Drummer Boy was wearing a red parka. "I don't think you're telling me the whole truth about Santa, baby." Reaching out, I drew the parka hood over his head. "Noel, does this look familiar to you?"

She gasped. "Hey--Santa!"

Under the tree, Noel's mom shoved away from grandma and growled, "Fine, you caught us ... the Little Drummer Boy was giving me a holly jolly Christmas, all right? I didn't want to be all alone for Christmas, and he was on my grown-up Christmas list."

I shook my head. "But don't you see that Santa Claus is watching you?"

"Yeah?" She smirked at me. "Well, he's seen a lot, if he's been watching the last twelve days of Christmas."

"Mom!" Noel gasped. Then she turned around and slugged LDB in the mouth, right under the mistletoe.

"I hear bells," LDB said as he faded out. It would be a silent night for him.

Later, after we filled out the paperwork, I asked Darling, "Mary, did you know?".

"Oh, I knew LDB must be Santa." Darling took a drink of eggnog (non-alcoholic--we were on duty), and added, "He really got his halls decked."

"Yeah, I'll bet he harked the herald angels sing."

It looked like LDB and the mom had something else in common: They wouldn't be home for Christmas. For the rest of us, it's the most wonderful time of the year. But for them?

Well, I figure they got nuttin' for Christmas.

For the rest of the shift we got our one wish--no more Grinches. As for the rest of you: We wish you a merry Christmas!

Don't forget, Coming Attractions remains free on Smashwords for the rest of the year:

https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/ozma914

And as usual, find all our books here:

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

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parody song: Walk Like an Old Penguin

2022-02-19T03:40:56Z

There's been a lot of ice this winter. Okay, there's a lot of ice every winter, but maybe a little bit more this winter. So, as a public service and because I can't control myself, I wrote a song to teach everyone how to walk on ice or, as the authorities put it, "Walk like an old penguin".

No, seriously.

See? I don't make this stuff up. (Actually, I made up the "old" penguin part, because if you really want to be careful, start worrying about breaking a hip.)

So, remember the Bangles and their song "Walk Like an Egyptian"?

Oh. You don't? Crap. Well, review the song first:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cv6tuzHUuuk

Okay, now that it's in your head, here's "Walk Like an Old Penguin", which is set to the tune of ... well, I guess you know that, now:

Walk Like an Old Penguin

All the ice dropping down the roof

We do the ice dance don’t you know

If we move too quick (oh whey oh)

We’re falling down like a domino.

All the cars slide into a pile

They got insurance on the way

They’re on speed dial (oh whey oh)

More premiums that you’ll have to pay

Foreign cars with the broken bumpers

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

The business people on their way

They spin around when they hit the ice

Now they can’t move (oh whey oh)

A broken hip, it don’t feel too nice

All of us are so sick of snow

We have to salt and then plow again

When we see them fall (oh whey oh)

We’re walking like an old penguin

All the kids with the sidewalk skate say

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

(Sliding instrumental interlude!)

Take short steps on ice, don’t break your back

Arms at your sides, you got the knack

Ice is hard you know (oh whey oh)

So don’t get hit by a Cadillac

Watch the way you step, with flat feet

On your way to the donut shop

Don’t sing and dance (oh whey oh)

You’ll spin out and, take a hard knock

All the witnesses with their phone

Film it first, then call 911

They stayed upright (oh whey oh)

They walk the line like a penguin.

All the docs at the ER door say

(whey oh whey oh, ay oh whey oh)

Walk like an old penguin

You'll notice Beowulf is walking like an Egyptian ... dog.

http://markrhunter.com/
https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

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Don't Sneeze So Close to Me

2020-03-27T09:15:00Z

The coronavirus outbreak is a serious, deadly thing, and it should be taken seriously. All the more reason to have fun with it ... because if you can't laugh, the virus has already won.

So this is sung to the tune, naturally, of Don't Stand So Close to Me, by the Police. Fire up your karaoke machine:

They're sneezing, in public

People stay clear of me

They're coughing so badly

Know where I want to be

Inside there's no virus

Feels like I'm in a cage

Book reading, show watching

My kids here make me age

Don't stand so, don't stand so

Don't stand so close to me

That virus ain't stopping

I'm social distancing

Get calls from the fellas

They haven't got it yet

They think it won't get them

I wouldn't make that bet

Outside is, temptation

But it could make us die

I'm out of crap paper

Newsprint won't get me dry

Don't stand so, don't stand so

Don't cough so close to me

Don't sneeze so, don't breath so

Don't be so close to me

Washing for so long now

Perfecting elbow bumps

Don't blow your crap on me

Stay home and take your lumps

It's no use, this virus

Will make me sweat and cough

You might be infected

I'm begging you, back off

Don't sweat so close to me

Please ... don't spread so close to me ...

"Don't pet me! You never know for sure."

"I told you not to go to Wal-Mart!"

http://markrhunter.com/

https://www.amazon.com/-/e/B0058CL6OO

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/s/"Mark R Hunter"

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Song Parody: Stop The Snow

2018-02-09T09:10:57Z

I first posted this a couple of years ago, but it seemed really appropriate today, since as I type this there's a winter storm raging outside. I hate winter storms. Well, only if I have to go out in them, or pay for heating the house during them, or if it's winter. Otherwise I don't mind.

Anyway, I worked foolishly hard on this, so I decided to put it up again. But here's the thing: parody songs are really only good if you're familiar with the original, which in this case is "Let It Go" from Frozen. If you have kids of a certain age, you've not only heard it, but you're sick of it. (I'm not--but my kids are all grown up, and I've only seen the movie once.) If you haven't heard it, you can here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

Or see the original lyrics here:

http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_It_Go

I know what you’re thinking: “Why, Mark? Why?” Good question—I don’t even find it easy. But I present you with: “Stop the Snow”.

The snow’s piled high almost to my thigh
It’s so cold I want to scream
No sign of spring salvation
I’m stuck in a snow globe dream

The wind howls through windows, bringing swirling snow inside
Couldn’t keep it out, plastic sheets I tried

Let the dog in, his frozen pee
Is an icicle I never want to see
My hands can’t feel—this weather blows
Thanks to the snow

Stop the snow, stop the snow
Can’t get my car unstuck
If I had enough dough
I’d move away from all this yuck
I know just what the forecasts say
Get your storm rage on
I’m stuck in my drive anyway.

It’s funny how this temperature
makes everything seem blue
And if you don’t see the misery
there’s something wrong with you.

It’s time to go and break the ice
To start the car, oh please play nice
No lights, no juice, not to be rude
I’m screwed

Stop the snow, stop the snow
Just one day when it’s warm and dry
Car won’t go in the snow
Ice falls down from tears I cry
Here I push in four foot drifts
Till my hands freeze on …

A patch of ice takes me to the ground
Underneath the snow it’s all cold, dead and brown
And one thought penetrates my frozen brain
Summer’s not so bad—I don’t mind the rain

Stop the snow, stop the snow
My car’s buried in five foot drifts
I can’t feel, my own toes
I’ll never make it to my shift
My hands are blue and my face is white
I could use a lift
But the snow plow buries and passes by.

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Book Reviews That Bite

2017-04-19T20:16:22Z

Any author will tell you their success at finding readers lives and dies on reviews. Well, and sales. That's a given.

Actually, not all writers will tell you that. Stephen King doesn't worry about reviews so much. Neither does Rowling, these days. Come to think of it, these days they don't have to worry about sales so much, either.

Still, for most of us reviews are a big deal. There's one thing we all desire more than reviews, though: Good reviews. If the reviews contain the words "greatest ever", "genius", or "eat your heart out, King and Rowling", it's probably a good review. Not always, though. Here's a review I got for my first novel, Storm Chaser:

"This is the greatest ever waste of space--getting people to buy it was a genius con. Eat your heart out, King and Rowling: You'd have never gotten away with this."

So there are always exceptions. Here are some questionable reviews my other books received:

Storm Chaser Shorts:
"Dude, shorts are never mentioned at any of these stories. Sure, there are some storms, and people get chased once or twice, but that's only two-thirds of the title. No truth in advertising!"

Smoky Days and Sleepless Nights: A Century Or So With the Albion Fire Department:
"This book should have been way longer. He didn't cover every single day. He missed most nights. And what's this 'or so' crap? This guy will never write another history book again."

The No-Campfire Girls:
"I'm all for adventure, but don't they have a safety director at this summer camp? Arrows, explosives, storms, fires--it's an insurance nightmare. Also, it has all these teenage girls, and no representation from teenage boys; it should have been more gender neutral."

Slightly Off the Mark: The Unpublished Columns:
"Opinions are fine as long as they're mine, but these just aren't my opinions at all. Also, I have the strangest feeling the author is trying to be funny. That's just unacceptable. I'm fairly certain I'm offended."

Images of America: Albion and Noble County:
"Okay, this is lazy, lazy stuff. They're supposed to be writing, and instead they jam the whole book full of pictures. And they didn't even take them themselves! Somebody paid them for this? (Update: Okay, somebody pointed out that 'Images' is in the title, but that's just lazy titling.)"

The Notorious Ian Grant:
"So this offensive guy drives all the way across America just so he can insult people in a different state from the one he usually insults people in. Then he's surprised when people want to kill him. Well, California wisecracking doesn't cut it in the Hoosier state, fella: Take your sexy stubble and go home before you get Tazed just like everyone else in this story."

Hoosier Hysterical: How the West Became the Midwest Without Moving At All:
"I appreciated all the photos, but I don't know what they're of. Also, I'll bet the jokes would be funny if I knew what they were about. I think this is about history. I don't like history, but the section on Indiana celebrities was cool. But I've never heard of most of them."

Radio Red:
"I've never heard of this book. Should I have heard of this book? Maybe if it was free, I'd try it. Why do these writers want so much money, anyway?"

I'm afraid to even bring up the newest anthology, The Very True Legends of Ol' Man Wickleberry and his Demise. I mean, it's got violence and ageism in it. On the other hand, it could be worse. None of the reviewers specifically referred to me as a "bad writer".

Well, none that you'll hear about from me.

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Nope. Still don't wanna build a snowman.

2016-01-24T10:39:22Z

I posted this back in February of last year, and for some reason I started thinking of it again this weekend. Really, it works best if you have the music playing in the background while you’re reading it.

____________________________________________________

Maybe you’ve seen “Frozen”. Maybe you’ve been frozen. Either way, I think you can relate to how I changed the song’s words, to reflect my feelings about winter. If you’re not familiar with the song, just ask any kid. If they don’t have the soundtrack or a karaoke version, they can probably still hum the tune from memory.

"I Don’t Want To Build a Snowman"
(sung to the tune of Do You Want to Build a Snowman)

I don’t wanna build a snowman.
Come on, are you crazy?
I’m not going near that frozen door
Call me a bore
I’m not going to freeze today.

I’m used to being warm
and when I’m not
I wish that I could die!

I don’t wanna get the frostbite.
I don’t want to see fingers white.

Go away, Winter.
Okay? Bye...

I don’t wanna build a snowman.
Or get hit with wet snowballs.
I think the outside may be for you,
I don’t like turning blue
and suffering from falls.

(Just hangin’ at home.)

I’ll stoke a fire or two
Staying in my room,
and at least then I won’t die.
(Brrrrrrr)

Please don’t make me go out there,
People are asking when it will end.
They say their skin has turned to ice,
Out there it’s not so nice:
Just go back in.

We’re not such a fan
Of this icy land,
But what are you gonna do?

I don’t wanna build a snowman. [sniff]

____________________________

So ... should I post my next great song, "Stop the Snow"?

But ... I'm so cool!

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