next week's column: The Return of the Conservative Lawn Mower

SLIGHTLY OFF THE MARK

( Days later FAA crews discovered my lawn mower’s spark plug, buried in the fuselage of a 747 that had been cruising at 58,000 feet. )

He shouldn't have gone up that creek -- especially without a paddle

That's the great thing about entering the wonderful world of a scumbag criminal career: No IQ requirements. Still, I think this guy will agree that his job stinks.

( Drug Suspect Hides in Hog Manure Pit -- no film at 11. )